Head First Fearless
by too-old-to-love-jake
Summary: AH. Bella has a troubled past. Her relationship with Jacob is unsteady, threatening her buried pain to resurface. Dark Themes, drama and angst.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I have zero ownership to Twilight and its awesomeness. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A/N: This is a one shot sample story for Sort of Beautiful Challenge. I'm serving on an incredibly talented panel of judges to decide the winner of the following categories. **

**_1. Best "Bad Boy" Jacob_**

**_2. Best "Best Friend" Jacob_**

**_3. Most Unique Storyline_**

**_4. Best Peen for stories with Lemons; and Best Kiss for stories with No Lemons_**

**_The contest begins August 24th through September 28th and voting will be October 1st - 12th._**

**_I am thrilled to be a part of this challenge and I encourage and challenge all of you to participate. First time writers are welcome._**

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**Title**: Headfirst Fearless

**Pen Name**: crystalnicoleyo

**If you would like to see all the stories that are a part of this challenge visit the "SORT OF BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGE" profile page:**

**www[dot]fanfiction[dot]net/u/2046940/**

**Head First Fearless**

_And I don't know how it gets better than this  
You take my hand and drag me head first  
Fearless  
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress  
Fearless_

_Fearless ~ Taylor Swift_

_*********************************************_

I imagined hell to be much like Forks, Washington. I assumed, from all accounts told, that the incessant rain would be replaced with fire and brimstone. But the loneliness and desperation would be the same. To be constantly surrounded by hopelessness, and not a single distraction from the misery was, for all intents and purposes, hell.

I was trapped in this Godforsaken town practically against my will. I moved here three days ago to start my sophomore year of college at Peninsula University in Port Angeles. I had lost my scholarship to Arizona State after being placed on academic probation last semester. It wasn't that I didn't try; I did. My education was very important to me. But my life held an unusual amount of unfortunate calamity. I was hit by a van, robbed at gunpoint, and fell down two flights of stairs in the spring semester alone. Between hospital visits and outpatient therapy, my studies fell by the wayside, dragging down my GPA.

My mother, Renee, was too consumed in herself to notice my was life falling apart. She took my collegiate failure as proof that she needed to move to Florida to be with Phil, my soon to be step-father. Renee didn't have the money to pay for tuition, let alone room and board. I had no way to pay for ASU, and I had nowhere to live once Renee was moved across the country.

So, being the martyr that he is, my father stepped in and offered to pay for my education. Imagine my relief when he told me of this generosity. Imagine my disappointment when I realized the stipulations that came with the offer. I had to move in with him and attend in nearby Port Angeles. I was out of options, and with no place else to go, I packed up my clothes and a cactus, and I moved to Forks.

"Bella, can you come outside for a minute?" Charlie asked eagerly. Despite my miserable self-loathing and Charlie's asinine conditions, I didn't have any ill will toward him. I loved my dad, and I was actually grateful that he had offered me some semblance of stability. Our relationship, although at times untraditional, was embedded in love.

I heaved myself from my perch on the couch to join Charlie outside. I caught a quick glimpse of the sky through the window. It was void of sunshine but at least it wasn't raining. The clouds above teased me with hope, but there was never a guarantee of sunshine. I giggled to myself at the metaphor in my mind.

As I made my way out the door I saw Charlie with visitors. I vaguely recognized them. I hadn't spent much time in Forks since I was a kid and my memory was a bit unclear.

"Bella, do you remember Billy and Jacob Black?" Charlie asked enthusiastically.

Suddenly, I remembered them from the summers I spent here as a child. Billy was Charlie's best friend, and Jacob was Billy's son. They lived on the Quileute reservation in La Push.

"I think I was five the last time you saw me," Jacob said impishly. I couldn't help but notice how attractive he was. His dark hair was cut short, framing the soft russet skin of his face. His deep set, brown eyes danced as he spoke.

"Yeah, mud pies, right?" I asked unable to look away from Jacob. The last time I saw him we were carefree kids. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but yet he was still familiar.

Jacob nodded and gave me a slight grin of recognition.

" Jake here," Charlie began patting on Jacob's shoulders, "is fresh out of the academy. I have offered him a job on the force," he finished boastfully.

My dad was the sheriff of Forks, and he spoke of it as if it were the quintessential crime fighting mecca of the world. I doubted that he had arrested any more than five people in the last year. He spent most of his days working crossword puzzles.

I smiled in approval, not that it mattered. I would be spending more time in Port Angeles than Forks anyway. I didn't have any investment either way in Jacob's preferred occupation. I hoped to get an apartment close to campus by next semester and forget Forks altogether.

"Jake's going to be living with us for awhile. I've gained two kids in one week," Charlie said laughing brightly.

Did I hear him right? Was I expected to share Charlie's house with a stranger? There was only one bathroom! What could possibly be going through Charlie's mind? I made a mental note to stake claim on the areas of the house I wanted for myself.

"The politicians around here don't want to hire anyone outside of our town, so Jake needs to be a citizen of Forks. I offered him the guest bedroom, temporarily."

"Great," I mused.

"In return for my hospitality Jake is going to give you this truck, Bella," Charlie said as he displayed the old red truck like it was a prize on Wheel of Fortune. I had to admit it was really cool.

"Yep, fixed it up myself," Jake responded proudly.

"Jake's quite the mechanic, you know. Maybe you can make some use out of the old garage in the back," Charlie shot at Jake with a gleam in his eye. I began to think that Jacob Black was the son Charlie never had.

I went over to the truck and got in. I didn't know much about vehicles but it looked like it would pass my inspection.

"Mind if I take it for a test run?" I asked through the window. In a moment, Jacob jumped in the passenger seat and dangled the key from his finger. I noticed how sincere and sunny he seemed to be; maybe having him around wouldn't be so bad. I needed at least one friend and he seemed as good a choice as any.

I grabbed the keys from his fingers, noticing how big his hands were. Jacob had to be at least six and a half feet tall. He was very muscular and large. He had the body of a man and the face of a boy. His eyes shone brightly, and his constant smile reminded me of the little kid I once knew.

"Alright kids, Billy and I are going to see if the fish are biting," Charlie announced as he poked his head through the window. "You two be careful," he winked.

I turned the key in the ignition. The old truck roared to life beneath me, and I put it in drive. Jake started to tune in the radio station.

"The stereo is kind of crappy, so you'll need a new one," he informed me.

"So you really want to trade in this beauty for a police cruiser?" I asked humorlessly. I couldn't imagine why a career in law enforcement was attractive to him. It didn't seem very ambitious to me.

"Yeah, sort of," he replied.

I looked him over, weighing his response. I supposed he would be an effective cop. His size alone would intimidate most criminals. The crime rate in Forks was practically non-existent anyway. I assumed the deputies played card and ate doughnuts all day.

"I guess we need to lay some house rules if we're going to be living under the same roof." Now seemed like a good time to go ahead and get this dreaded task over with.

"No need. You'll be gone during the week and I'll be working on the weekends. I doubt you'll even see me."

I should have been relieved but I felt a touch of sadness. I liked Jacob already. Just being in my new truck with him for the last ten minutes had drastically improved my mood. Jacob Black induced happiness, and I needed all of the happiness I could get.

"Oh. Too bad," I said automatically.

I looked at him and he seemed surprised by my outburst. I needed a quick recovery. I certainly didn't want pity and I couldn't imagine how needy I must have sounded.

"I don't really know anyone here. It'd be nice to have someone to hang with."

"I'll see if I can pencil you in, Ok?"

"Thank you. I don't want to be a bother," I said scornfully.

I drove further through the town, finding myself on an unfamiliar road. Jacob was content to look out the window and sing, off-key, along with the radio.

"Do you know where you're going?" Jacob asked me skeptically.

"Not exactly, just following the pavement," I spoke truthfully. I was glad for the freedom, and Jacob's company was very up-lifting, even the singing.

"The pavement ends just around this next curve. Are you planning on a hike?"

"I don't really hike," I tried to explain. Surely Jacob remembered my flamboyant clumsiness from our childhood. It was hardly forgettable.

"You do today. You picked this road, its fate. Besides a little fresh air will do you some good. Replenishes the soul."

Fate, huh. Fate hated me. I didn't need to remind myself of the horrors I had endured throughout my life because of fate. I imagined just beyond the trees a grizzly bear or Bigfoot was lying in wait for me. I shuddered at the thought.

I pulled the truck over into the gravel lot at the end of the road. Was I really going to do this? I could hardly walk on a sidewalk; a mountain trail would definitely cause me problems. Jacob got out abruptly, and I joined him, guardedly noticing that the sun had peaked through the clouds.

"Are you sure you know where we're going?" I asked in earnest. My sense of direction was almost as good as my equilibrium. I didn't want to get lost in these woods.

"Relax, Bella, I've hiked this trail since I was in diapers."

"I thought you still were in diapers," I mocked.

"I'll have you to know that what I lack in age, I make up for in other areas." His lips turned up into a smile, and I couldn't deny how striking he was. I stood still for a moment, just taking him in. When I started to walk again, I stumbled, colliding into him.

"I'm sorry. I'm not the hiking type." I could feel the heat from the pool of blood on my cheeks. It was my signature trademark: ineptness and facial blushing.

He stood me up and eyed me cautiously, afraid I would fall over if he let me go. I shook him off and dusted off my jeans, trying to salvage what bit of dignity I had left.

"You really aren't the hiking type are you?" he asked, echoing my previous statement. He turned away from me in a fit of laughter and started back on the trail.

"I warned you," I yelled toward him, staring mindlessly at the forest that surrounded me.

"I want to show you something, come on," he called back to me as I stood still standing wide eyed.

We walked on for a little bit and then he stepped off the trail.

"You're fearless, aren't you?" I yelled at him, stopping him in his tracks. He walked back to me and grabbed my hands. My heartbeat sped up at his warm touch. My gaze met his and I felt a swing of emotion through my body.

"Sometimes a little risk has a great reward. You just have to jump in head first. Can you trust me?"

His words were so weighted, like there was a hidden insinuation that I was missing. He seemed, for a moment, older than his eighteen years. My breath was caught in my throat as I fought to respond to him. His eyes bore into my soul, paralyzing me with their mystery. Realizing I couldn't speak, I nodded and he pulled me close to him.

We walked a short distance until the trees opened up and the thickness of the forest became a clear open meadow.

It was beautiful, a simplistic but exquisite unknown sanctuary in the heart of the mountains. I breathed all of it in. The floral scent of wildflowers and sunshine echoed the beauty before me.

"I told you it was worth it," Jake whispered.

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My first month of school went off without a hitch. Because of my academic situation last semester, Charlie had really put the strain on me to behave. Although I was twenty years old, I respected him and obeyed his wishes. I confined myself to school and home. I hadn't made any real friends, but at least I had Jacob.

Jacob's presence in my life was a welcome distraction. Without him, Forks would be unbearable. In my five long weeks of living in here, he was the only taste of happiness I had found. His presence almost always made me cheerful, and I found myself growing more attached to him. I needed him almost as much as I needed oxygen. Jacob was the first person in my life that made me feel complete. I trusted him and connected with him in a way I never had with anyone before. Making friends and opening up to people was never my strong suit, but I could be myself around Jacob. He was _fearless_and it was contagious, because when I was next to him, I became _fearless_.

Admittedly, I was becoming attracted to him in a different way. I really hated that I was so weak around him. The simplest of human tasks became complicated when Jake was around: breathing, walking, speaking. I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship, but the magical way I felt around him was hard to avoid.

He didn't make my dilemma any easier either. He walked around the house most of the time wearing nothing but his favorite pair of thin, black sweat shorts. Every ripple and contour of his muscular body was constantly displayed before me like a museum attraction. Stronger willed women would crumble at the sight of Jacob Black without a shirt. Jacob Black was **sort of beautiful**, in a romantic-sunset-on-the-beach kind of way. He was the perfect combination of rough exterior and soft interior. A heart of pure gold nestled in a robust, svelte body. When he spoke to me, I had to pry my eyes away from his glorious supple, full lips. Images of kissing him would flash through my mind, and I would lose myself in the beautiful torrents of my fantasies.

When he wasn't half naked it was even worse, because he was wearing his policeman uniform. My eyes almost always fixated on the tight shirt and pants. My imagination vividly ran amuck with thoughts of him. The badge, the gun, the handcuffs-all of it enticed me to make a fool of myself. The first time I saw him in uniform, I became a babbling idiot. Not one word I uttered was coherent, and he laughed at my attempt to speak. I was certain he could see through my parade. I was constantly hanging on to his every word and movement, as if I had been stranded on a deserted island for twenty years, and he was the first human I made contact with.

Flirting was out of the question because I was appalling at it. I really didn't know if his feelings reciprocated mine and I was too afraid to ask. I relied on his friendship; anything else I received was just a bonus.

"Pizza's here," Jake announced from the front door. I ran down the stairs to meet him, surprising myself when I didn't fall.

"Shouldn't you be working? It's Friday night. Tons of danger lurking in the city," I said casually.

"Bite it, Bells. The old man gave me a night off."

I rolled my eyes at Jake, but secretly, I wanted to burst with excitement. I knew what a night off and pizza boxes meant: Jake was staying in with me. I followed him into the kitchen and got the plates from the cabinet.

"So why are you spending your one Friday night off here?" I asked just to be sure as I sat the plates on the table.

"You want me to leave?" he countered sarcastically.

"I guess not. I've got nothing better to do." I grabbed two sodas and handed one to Jake, offering him my biggest smile. I reminded myself that I was terrible at flirting. I was also terrible at this game of cat and mouse that I was trying to play. Why couldn't I just tell him my feelings ran deeper? Why couldn't I say that I was attracted to him? Why couldn't I tell him I thought about him constantly? Why couldn't I tell him I wanted to taste his lips?

I sat down in the chair beside him. I wanted to silence the racing thoughts in my head. I was sure he could see the torture on my face-Renee had always said I was like an open book.

"Me either," he agreed with disappointment.

"You could go on a date," I replied. Where was I going with this useless garbling? I really wished for a filter between my lips and my brain. It would help to avoid situations like the one I had currently placed myself in. I stuffed an enormous piece of pizza in my mouth, hoping to silence my random outbursts.

"Would you say yes?" His face was covered with sincerity and optimism as he moved his chair closer to mine.

I nearly choked on the pizza in my mouth. My face contorted into many different shapes as I quickly chewed, hurrying to answer Jacob's very important question. My mind was a blur of commotion.

"Are you asking me out?" I asked as I painfully swallowed the last bit of crust in my mouth.

"Yes," he answered.

"Why?" I asked curiously. I was relieved and grateful by his question, but I didn't understand it.

"Bella, isn't it clear that I'm crazy about you?"

"No," I said flatly without really thinking about it. I moved my shaky hands to my lap in an effort to hide my anxiety. Jacob seemed so calm while I sat on the verge of nervous explosion.

"You know, Bells, some people can't see the forest for the trees. You're not one of those people. You're worse. You can't see Heaven for the clouds. You miss the complete picture that's before you."

He paused for a moment, fidgeting in his seat. He grabbed my hands gently and wrapped his fingers around them. I looked up into his dark eyes and felt my soul turn into a burning liquid.

"Have you noticed the way I smile when you walk into a room? The convenient way I try to be home at the same time you are? I like living here, don't get me wrong, but Charlie doesn't always offer the best company. Why do you think I want to be here so badly?"

I sat motionless allowing myself to absorb his words. His eyes pierced me once again, igniting an unquenchable fire in my soul. His feelings really did mirror mine.

"So I guess since my subtle hints aren't really working, I need a different approach." He leaned into me, locking his gaze on my own bewildered stare. "I think about you constantly. I like being with you." He inched his face closer to mine and whispered my name. I crumbled. I melted. His lips brushed across mine softly and his sweet breath stopped my own breathing. His kiss became more urgent and my lips parted to allow his taste in. He removed his hands from mine and wrapped his arms around me. He broke free from my lips leaving me to gasp for air.

"So, yeah. I guess I am asking if you want to go out with me on a real date."

I sat there staring at him. Part of me was waiting to wake up and the other part was still melting.

"Yes I do. I want to jump in _head first_."

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It was a quiet Sunday evening. Jacob was working and Charlie was fishing. I sat in the kitchen, the table cluttered with my books and notes. I needed to finish my English paper but my brain couldn't focus on anything but Jacob. It had been two days since I last saw him and I wasn't sure when I would see him again. He always seemed to be working.

Since Jacob first kissed me two weeks ago, my life had become amazing. I couldn't believe I lived twenty years without him in my life.

Keeping our relationship from Charlie proved to be difficult. I hated being dishonest, but Charlie, despite his affection for Jake, would not approve of us living under the same roof if he knew we were dating. I craved Jacob's touch, his kiss. It was killing me to know he was sleeping in the room next to mine and I couldn't sleep beside him.

"Hey Bells, studying hard?" Charlie asked as heentered the kitchen with a string of smelly fish.

"Just finishing up," I answered squishing my nose up in disgust.

I cleared the table of my mess and headed to my room to finish.

"Billy's staying for dinner. We're going to fry up this fish and watch the game."

"Sounds great," I mused.

In spite of the horrible odor from earlier, the fish actually tasted pretty good. I was thankful Billy was there to help Charlie fry them. Once they retired to the living room to engage in some man-bonding, I headed upstairs. I had made it halfway when I heard the front door open. I glanced back to see Jacob hanging his jacket by the door. He turned to notice my ogling, and I shot him an embarrassed smile as I came back downstairs.

I flung my body across the chair in the living room and sighed in contentment. With Billy and Charlie watching the game I hoped to sneak in some alone time with Jacob. He must have hoped for the same thing because he announced he was going to work in the garage. From the corner of my eye I saw him wink at me and nod for me to meet him outside. I anxiously waited five minutes and excused myself so I could secretly join him.

I eagerly walked out the back door and down the stone path to the garage in the back. I felt warm hands wrap around me, and the earth started to fade from beneath me. Jacob carried me around to the back of the garage. Without saying a word, he crushed his lips into mine, overpowering my senses with his goodness.

"They're gonna be busy for awhile," he whispered against my lips.

I only moaned in response. My mind was too consumed with kissing Jacob to process such menial tasks as speech. His tongue rolled against my own, igniting a fury of passion throughout my body.

Jacob put me down on the ground beside him, steadying me until I could stand on my own. My eyes met his stare and I knew exactly what he was thinking. I wrapped my fingers around his belt loop and followed close behind him, allowing him to lead the way.

Just past Charlie's backyard were the lush forests of Washington. Jacob and I had created an escape in a clearing nearby for when Charlie was home. I felt a twinge of guilt for hiding this from Charlie. But it was a short lived notion, because once we made it to the clearing, Jacob started kissing me again, and like always, I forgot everything around me.

We eventually settled on the ground and I had my head propped up in Jacob's lap looking at the clouds above. I could talk to him about anything. I could spend forever with him like this: in our own private place where we could just be alone together.

As we sat there, talking and laughing, the rain slowly started falling, drop by drop, from the sky above.

"We better get back," I announced, not wanting to move.

Jake hopped to his feet, pulling me up from the ground to join him. Something about the way the rain fell on his face and his hair was magical. The drizzle seemed to justify his beautiful face. I snuggled in close to him, never wanting to leave his embrace. The rain picked up and I closed my eyes to allow it to wash over me and take in the majesty of the moment. Jacob released himself from me and started a steady jog back to Charlie's, dragging me with him.

By the time we made it to the backyard, we were drenched from the rain. The small shower had slowed to a misty drizzle, and Jacob smiled as he brushed my wet hair away from my face.

"You're very pretty in the rain," he said as we reached the back of the garage.

"It was raining? I hadn't noticed," I responded breathily.

He kissed my forehead and then made a trail down my cheek, quickly brushing my lips before reaching my neck. My head rolled automatically as his touch blazed against my skin. My breathing became harder and faster as he slowly inched me back against the block wall of the garage.

"Bella, I love you."

Without a second thought, I had my hands in his hair, weaving through his dark locks with vigor and fury. He grazed his hands softly across my back and then he bravely moved them under my shirt. I collapsed into him, succumbing to the heat of his touch. His kisses became harder, almost violent, nipping at my skin against his lips. I moaned his name automatically, arching my body closer to his. His mouth moved across the flesh of my neck and then across my collarbone. He looked at me through his long dark lashes, weighted with tiny raindrops, begging for permission. Unable to speak, I only nodded, and he continued kissing me. His mouth burned through my skin into my very core. I braced myself against the wall as he made a trail down my stomach, stopping at the top of my jeans. Jacob picked me up and I locked my legs around his waist. He bucked his hips against mine and I spiraled into an arousing emotional frenzy. Every thought, every sound, every breath was Jacob.

"I love you, too," I finally responded, _head first fearless_.

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**A/N:**

**Alright let me know what you think and go write your own for the challenge! Jake wants you too. As always reviews are very much welcomed!**


	2. Chapter 2

Head First Fearless

**Author's Note:**

_**For you the reader I wanted to offer a bit of a summary. The first chapter of this story was written for Sort of Beautiful challenge as a judge's sample story. I fell in love with the characters and have toyed with the idea of finishing it. So, alas, I am writing the rest of the story.**_

_**You will find as you read the rest of this story that the original fluff and cream will be absent. This story unfolds dramatically, and we will be exploring some rather dark material later on. Please keep in my mind that Bella has a troubled past. She has no direction or guidance. Renee was non existent and Charlie lived in Forks. So, in essence, she was absent of a stable adult.**_

_**Okay, I have to issue some thank yous.**_

_**Mombailey, you are an incredible, fantastic beta. You push me when I need it, and you lift me up when I need it. I simply love you.**_

_**Teamsob – bloodofbeckie, Live720, My hubby is no Edward, Btvsna, Ysar, mybrandofheroin. At some point each of these fabulous people had a hand in some part of my work. I want them to know I appreciate what they mean to me, and to fanfiction. We really do make it all 'sort of beautiful.'**_

_**Okay, finally, to EchoesofTwilight and LJSummers, thank you. You both are sweethearts, and I'm glad to call you both friends.**_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**Chapter 2: "A Good Dose of Karma"**

**~*~*~*~Listening to Gravity by John Mayer~*~*~*~**

Community service was such a menial waste of my time. I was aiming for an education, not a Nobel Prize. Professor Bailey had an insane idea that community service would be a great character builder, and it would be fifty percent of our final Sociology grade. Already pulled in a thousand directions, I didn't need another deterrent in my life, and I certainly didn't want to spend the rest of spring semester volunteering when I had other commitments. Inwardly frowning, I realized how incredibly selfish my thoughts were turning; helping others was a noble gesture. _A good dose of karma could never hurt_. I needed to grip this swelling apprehension and overcome the next obstacle. That was life after all - jumping one hurdle only to face another.

Under different circumstances, I would have been more than excited about the opportunity to work with the _misunderstood_ teen. I knew all too well about being on a lost track and needing someone to help map your way back. Nor was I above volunteering, but my lack of enthusiasm stemmed from my unsteady relationship with Jacob. He was the single most, important person in my life, and I was slowly losing my grip on him. We were at a pivotal crossroads, and all I needed was another obstruction to further the wedge between us. Jacob was so focused on, scratch that, obsessed with his job that I was a mere afterthought; a growing-more-bitter-by-the-day afterthought.

He moved out of Charlie's house shortly after fall break in an effort to focus on our relationship, and I hoped for more alone time as a reward. However, our lives had become very separate, and we seemed to have developed a predictable routine of hide and seek. The distance between us was insurmountable, and unfortunately at times, I felt closer to strangers. Jacob had become unreachable, unsearchable and unattainable.

His mind always somewhere in the distance, Jacob was actively fulfilling his self-proclaimed destiny. He had this overwhelming belief that he was born to be a cop, to help people, and to put away the bad guy_. _There was no way to deny the obvious fact that Jacob had a special gift, and who was I to argue with fate.

Forks wasn't necessarily a criminal's first choice for notoriety, but Jake was doing a great job at apprehending every one he had the opportunity to go after. He had earned the respect of many decorated officers across the state by aiding their policing efforts in the past few months. Jake had an innate sense of the job, and it was only a matter of time until he moved on to greener pastures. In the wake of his popularity, I somehow got left behind.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. In my situation, absence made the heart grow weary.

I looked through my book bag five times before I found the handwritten directions to the Community Center. Although I had been going to school in Port Angeles for over seven months, I was still very unfamiliar with the city. My point of destination was always clear, and I never stayed a second longer than I had to.

Already late for my first day of the Leadership Mentoring Program, I wondered how many youthful lives I was going to corrupt with my bad advice. Considering any given day I was the one in need of counseling, I seemed out of place participating in a project designed to give teenagers an adult to discuss their problems with.

My first day was not starting off well, and I had to circle the crowded parking lot three times before I found a spot. I then slammed my bag strap in the truck door, which resulted in a hideous display of tug-o-war and me face down on the pavement. I picked myself up, removed my trapped bag, and slammed the door shut, once again, cursing my very existence. More importantly, I cursed Dr. Bailey's existence and her insistence on ruining my life. Running up the front steps and into the main entrance, I continued to huff about the need for more parking.

"Excuse me. I'm looking for the LMP room," I gasped out to the first human I made eye contact with, who just happened to be a beautiful, young, blonde woman.

"Upstairs, and down the first hall. Second door on your right," her voice called out. My obvious conundrum was in no way interrupting the blonde girl's mission.

"Thank you," I returned, but the girl was already gone, only an echo of footsteps left in her wake.

Out of breath and sweating, I dried my palms on my jeans and turned the knob of the door. Just as I had been instructed, I entered the second room on the right, but immediately wanted to turn back. Three unamused faces turned to glare at my obviously tardy entrance. I scooted my feet inside and let the door slam behind me, adding to the annoyed looks of my peers. I focused my eyes on the tile floor beneath me to escape the awkwardness that embodied the room. I inhaled slowly and exhaled even slower.

"Miss Swan, I presume."

Looking up from the safety zone of the floor, I was completely unprepared for the stunning beauty that met my eyes. My breath was cemented in my throat, and I couldn't speak for the huge lump. I swallowed hard, only to find my tongue had become paralyzed and unwilling to roll out the words my mind was urging it to say. My lungs were clamped tight, and I was dizzy. As I focused on steadying my breathing, my eyes resumed their previous position on the tile pattern. He was exquisite, magnificent even, and I'm sure God must have cried when he left Heaven. With the exception of Jacob Black, of course, I wasn't a mindless crusher. But here I stood on the verge of a major melt down, having wonderfully vivid thoughts of this man before me. _Did I really just think God cried?_

"Miss, are you alright?" He asked smoothly.

"Yes," I finally responded. _Had the Earth stopped rotating?_ There was a definite change in the center of gravity, at least where I was standing. Perhaps it was an effect of global warming and not me rocketing into outer madness. I steadied myself and met his gaze again. I needed to get control of my emotions…quickly.

"Very well. You're late, and I don't tolerate late," he snarled.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, taken aback at the sudden change in his disposition.

"I'm Edward Cullen." His lips sneaked into a slight grin, exposing a beautiful set of perfect, white teeth, contrasted by full, pink lips. He reached his hand forward to properly greet me, and any merited hostility from before was gone. Edward, to my relief, became a friendly face.

"It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Cullen," I said, trying to offer some semblance of maturity and professionalism.

"Bella, how old are you?" He asked sincerely.

"I'm twenty," I replied, confused by his peculiar question.

"I'm twenty-one. No need for the Mister; call me Edward." He smiled again, and my heart fluttered. I usually wasn't so easily flustered by the opposite sex, but I couldn't contain the overpowering sensation that I felt around him.

"It's very nice to meet you...Edward." After our introductions, Edward showed me the ropes and presented me to the other counselors; the three faces I had annoyed upon my arrival. He quickly ushered me into his adjacent office, and I sat quietly while he finished instructing the other counselors. I heard him dismiss them and make steadfast footsteps back into the room.

Slipping behind his desk, he gave me a stack of paperwork while we discussed my application, and he thoroughly went over the mentoring expectations. To my relief, I had a rigorous training session to go through before I could be trusted with actual adolescents. Edward was very friendly, and his warm smile put me at ease. He seemed interested in what I had to say, which comforted me. He shared past experiences of the project, and I gave him humorous anecdotes of my escapades with Renee, carefully omitting the tumultuous years. I also learned that Edward was a Psychology major and had been involved in LMP for the last three years. Before I realized it, we had been in his office over an hour, chatting away like old friends.

"Wow, I should probably get going."

"Yes. I apologize for keeping you," he said as he opened the door.

"Oh, you weren't keeping me from anything important, unless you count a cold piece of pizza and stale conversation with my father."

Edward chuckled at my declaration and fell in place beside me as I walked out. Once we were in the parking lot, we continued in aimless conversation for thirty more minutes. I felt like I could talk to him endlessly, and never grow tired of his voice. With Edward I was an equal. He had a special gift of forfeiting his own thoughts to understand mine.

I drove home in silence, relishing thoughts of my new friendship with Edward Cullen and my anticipation over seeing him again. I was excited to be involved in his program, and I secretly hoped he would fill the void created by Jacob. Knowing myself well, I needed a confidant and friend like Edward, and he would perfectly fit into both categories.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Fridays always brought about a wave of hope, signaling the end of the week and two days free of academic responsibility. My lone class ended at 9:45, and without any research or assignments due, I was left with a clear schedule. Although I promised Mrs. Newton to work this particular Friday evening, by six I'd be with Jacob, and I vowed to myself that we would make some progress on our diminishing relationship. With no other choice than to confront the growing gap between us, I had to remind him of the fact that I needed him in my life. It was clear to me now that I needed to take charge.

I walked out to the parking lot feeling empowered and courageous, until I spotted him across the grass median. _Edward_. He was talking casually on his cell, standing by a shiny, new Volvo. Halting me in my tracks, I wondered if he had noticed me first, and secretly hoped that he was waiting for me. I brushed off the misguided notion as his brilliant smile greeted me, and he waved me over with his free hand. Whatever force I had invested in Edward was one-sided, and I was being ridiculous to think otherwise.

The closer I got to him, the harder I found it to breathe; Edward certainly had a unique control over me. He was attractive and mysterious; it went without saying. But it was his smile and his eyes holding me on edge, threatening my existence with their depth and intensity. The way he looked at me made me feel important, special, needed.

Was the connection real? Did he intentionally try to control me this way? I was nothing more than a frayed ribbon hung loosely around him, waiting to unravel at the slightest disturbance to my thin threads of sanity. Hopelessly, I clung to his every word and the power behind his stare, cherishing the calm relief provided by just being in his presence. I received from Edward, what one might attain from the fountain of youth. Much more than a heart-to-heart encounter, Edward spoke to me with his soul, and I responded to him with mine.

I quickly crossed the lot, pushing the nervousness under my obvious curiosity. Edward put his phone in the pocket of his jacket, and extended his hand to me. I gladly returned the gesture, controlling the onslaught of body rushes that accompanied the connection of our skin. My fingers tingled against the searing heat left by his touch.

"Bella," he prompted.

"Hi, Edward." I dropped his hand quickly, realizing I was grasping it longer than necessary. Smiling nervously, I hoped my cheeks weren't giving away my humiliation. I was often betrayed but their incessant pooling of redness.

"What brings you to the neighborhood?" He asked, twisting his lips into his mouth and back into a crooked grin.

"Sociology, today. You know Drill Sergeant Bailey," I replied as my temperature was quickly rising. The threads were unraveling.

"Bella, Professor B is one of the best. If she's pushing you, it's because she knows you can handle it."

"I suppose. So what are you doing here?" I asked, trying to change the subject from the dreaded Dr. B. I didn't admire her nearly as much as Edward.

"I'm meeting a benefactor for the Project today."

"You're very dedicated," I complimented.

"Passionate would be the operative word. But, yes, I'm dedicated," he said with light humor and obvious pride.

"The teenagers of Port Angeles are very fortunate to have you. I could have used you as a mentor when I was teen," I openly admitted without an ounce of remorse. I was generally very guarded about my adolescent misfortunes. However, I felt I could tell Edward the secrets buried in the depths of my heart, and confidently know he would honor them with respect and reverence. In customary fashion, Edward reassured me of any doubts. Warmth radiated through the recesses of my heart as he smiled at me. He spoke softly and fluidly through his words, while his eyes held the power to heal everything in me that was broken-past, present, and future.

"Bella, I'm sorry you had to face your troubles alone. I know this wasn't your first choice for an assignment, but you can use your past experiences as a resource in helping someone else. You just need to find your confidence, and I know from experience helping others will allow you to overcome."

Edward's past was troubled, too. Although we had yet to discuss the details of our similarities, we understood each other perfectly. I felt as if I had known him for a long time, and through only three conversations, I was already attuned to his soul. We were connected on an intricate level.

Edward's steady gaze remained as we stood silent for a moment. "Bella, I'd love to continue, but I'm kind of in a hurry. I'll catch up with you next week. Okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Uh…sure. See you next week." I could feel the despondency coming out in my weak attempt at goodbye, so I exaggerated a smile to cover my desperation. I wanted to latch onto him and never let go, allow him to protect me from the harms of life and comfort the hurt buried deep within. Something inside told me he could calm the ever growing fears.

"Goodbye, Bella," he said, the last syllable lingering between us. "Think about what I said. Sometimes you just have to jump in head first."

_Head first_.

Edward had confidence in me that I didn't have myself. He believed in me, and he was urging me to jump in. I had done just that with Jacob; now I wondered if I should doubt that decision. With a deep cleansing breath, I realized I would gladly do it again. Jacob had certainly given me courage and faith in a time when I possessed neither, and if my life was destined to be void of him, I would still be indebted to my wonderful Jake for helping me find my way.

Work at Newton's was excruciating as I found myself alternating between thoughts of Jacob and Edward. More so the later, which overwhelmed me with guilt. When I arrived home, I was pleasantly surprised to see Jake's cruiser in the driveway, and I hurriedly made my way into the house, practically skipping with giddiness. I wasn't shocked to see Jake and Charlie mesmerized by the TV; however, it surprised me to see that it wasn't sports. I expected some football or basketball game, but they were watching the news, more importantly, _Jacob_ on the _national_ news.

I discovered that he had arrested a kidnapper, from Seattle, on the run for over three months. He had eluded local and state police, as well as the FBI. Jacob's skillful thinking and quick reaction had resulted in a career altering bust, and the life of a six year old little girl was saved.

Jacob, Forks Hero of the Year, was elated to be a nationwide household name. The whole weekend was spent in a blur of interviews and press conferences, and the only time I really got to spend with him was driving to the airport on Sunday so he could fly to New York for an early morning interview. I pouted the entire trip to Seattle and missed out on some valuable conversation time. Instead of assuring Jacob that I was proud of him, and I admired him for his heroism, I sulked. I barely spoke a word to him. I hated myself for being selfish, but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't help the feelings of despair and loneliness that accompanied Jacob's chosen profession. It was apparent that balancing the career Jacob wanted and the relationship I needed was near impossible. I was on the losing end of the scale, and it was fostering the bitter sadness inside of me.

I drove him to the front entrance and let him out. There was no energy in my heart for an emotional goodbye.

"Bells, I wish you could go with me. I bet we'd have a lot of fun in New York."

"Uh-huh."

"I'll call you as soon as I get there. Look, I promise when I get back we'll have some time together. I haven't forgotten you."

He quietly placed a kiss on my forehead, and our eyes met as he held my face in his hands, moving in closer. I couldn't make myself look at him, and yet, he was too close to look away. I shut my eyes as I waited for my consolation prize in the form of a farewell kiss. Unexpectedly, I felt him shift away from me, and the door open. I blinked my eyes to see that he was already outside the truck. After grabbing his bag from the bed, he leaned back in to say goodbye.

"Bye, Bells. I'll miss you...real hard."

"Me, too."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once again, I was running late for LMP-fifteen minutes to be exact. I took the stairs two at a time, and nearly slid into the door. When I entered, the office was mostly deserted. I looked around, eyeing every corner, hoping for a glimpse of Edward. All the counseling rooms were closed, and the red in-session lights were turned on. _Great_. I went to look for him, mostly to beg him not to kick me out of the program for habitual tardiness, partly because I wanted to see his smile and eyes.

Since dropping Jacob off at the airport yesterday, I had been in a fog of despair. The phone call he promised lasted about twenty seconds, so I wasn't exactly able to redeem my inexcusable behavior.

"Um, Can I help you?" A petite, brunette girl asked. I didn't recall meeting her last week, but I wasn't in the best state then, either. I hadn't made eye contact with any other member of the program, so recognition was basically nil.

"I'm Bella."

"Ah, I see. Edward said you'd be late. I'm Alice."

"Where is he? Edward, I mean," I asked anxiously.

"Edward will not be here today. Basically, I'm next in command," she said, pushing her red frame glasses up onto her nose. She grinned at me skeptically; Edward had obviously mentioned me to her. I couldn't help but wonder what he had said.

"Oh." I was disappointed and pretty sure it was evident on my face by the way Alice grimaced at me. "Can you point me in the direction I need to be?"

Alice smiled and led me into a room off the back hall. "This is the file room, and these stacks of files need to be, well...filed." Her grin was mischievous, hinting at the punishment for my tardiness intended from the day's task. I eagerly got to work. Keeping busy would pass the time, and working alone in the file room meant that I wouldn't have any interaction with troubled teens. I shuddered at the recollection of my own formative years.

Once Alice skipped out of the room, I pulled out my cell phone. I was hoping for a text or a missed call from Jake. My hopes were crushed for the second time in as much as five minutes, the first of which belonged to Edward's absence. The blank display only added to my enormous dread surrounding Jacob.

I wasn't a priority; I wasn't even an afterthought, now. I closed the phone and placed it back into my pocket. I concentrated on the mountain of manila folders and began to tediously put them into some sensible structure. The banal task would at least offer a rest from the recent imprisonment of fear and insecurity. The fear that my own life was slowly dismantling before me-an all too familiar feeling.

**A/N: I'd love to know your thoughts/reactions. **


	3. Chapter 3: More Than Goodbye

**A/N: I do not possess any rights to Twilight, all characters, settings, etc are the property of Stephenie Meyer and their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Mombailey is the beta with the skills to make this story readable. Without her awesomeness the world would dissolve. **

**TEAMSOB - the greatest group of talented writers this side of fanfiction. For all the inspiration, endless nights of skype chats, and for keeping me on track I thank you**

**Mombailey, bloodofbeckie, Live720, My hubby is no Edward, mybrandofheroin, ysar and btvsna - I owe each of you!! Miss__Bratt, you are the best!!! **

Chapter 3: "More Than Goodbye"

~*~*~*~Listening to _Broken Wings _by Alter Bridge~*~*~*~

Since Edward was a no-show on Monday and Jacob was impossible to track down, I spent the most of the week in complete boredom. By Thursday, I was dreading the mentoring program. I didn't know if I could pass another two hours with Alice. I was intimidated by her very presence. I rolled in to the LMP room at two minutes after, not perfect, but I was doing better. Thankfully, Edward was seated behind his desk.

"Hello, Bella. I want you to spend today working alongside Jasper in the call center, so you can take note of his interaction with the callers. The greatest part of this job is knowing when to diffuse a potentially bad situation." It didn't take me long to figure out that Edward was talking about suicide, and I was more familiar with the concept than he realized. I rubbed my right wrist silently, cursing it for reminding me of my former weaknesses. I took in a deep breath and joined Jasper in the call center.

It was a small room with four phones set up on two tables. He and I were alone, and unless the phone rang we sat in silence. A fifteen-year-old pregnant cheerleader lit up the phone lines first. To my amazement, Jasper calmly reassured her and transferred her to the family counseling coordinator with ease. The rest of the two hours went by slowly, and only three other calls came in--two depressed teens and one drug abuse. After the initial work though, Jasper diligently sent them to their appropriate counselors, not once wavering in emotions or opinions. He was very calm and collected.

Toward the end of the day, Edward came in to check on me. Jasper excused himself, and left the room.

"Bella, since you were forty-five minutes late your first day you missed orientation. I think a make up session is in order, but I can't do it now. If you want to meet me later at the Campus Room, we can knock it out, and you'll be on the same bar as the others. We can get you out of that file room. You're ready to get your feet wet, right? Head first?"

"Okay," I agreed.

"Seven, then?"

"Sure."

I had three hours to kill until I had to meet Edward. I pulled out my cell to give Jake a call.

_"Hey, this is Jake. __Leave a message."_

"Jake, Hey it's me. I'm going to be later than planned. Call me soon."

At ten minutes till seven I entered the Campus Room. I wasn't about to be tardy since I needed to make a good impression. Although Edward could easily be counted as a friend, he was still, in fact, my superior, and I needed his approval so Dr. Bailey would pass me. I sat in the lounge room wondering why it was empty. I didn't really frequent the campus spots, but on the occasions I had been here it was always full. I found a seat on the couch closest to the pool table and waited for Edward.

"You're on time. Consider me impressed." Edward strolled in, showing a crooked grin. My lips widened with excitement in response to his enthusiasm, and I placed my fingers across them to silence their show of eagerness. He looked different in casual jeans and tight gray tee he had on; a definite change from the normal khakis and blazers I was used to seeing him in. He actually looked like he was in his early twenties.

"Thanks."

"Well, I guess the quicker we get started, the quicker we'll finish. I assume you have some cold pizza to attend to?"

No, I nodded, and Edward started talking about the importance of the program. I learned of the different types of counselors and the requisites for each. I would be a preliminary counselor, like a filter, and I would ask the easy questions to decide which of the other counselors would be appropriate, much like Jasper's role in the call room. The problems were unending with teenagers; drug abuse, suicide, depression, sex, grades, family, etc. I had a whole new respect for Edward, and we quickly becoming the most noble human being I had ever met. He orchestrated the program flawlessly and was happy to do so.

"I guess you're up to speed now, Miss Swan," he said once he had gone over the fundamentals and the counselor handbook. However, I struggled to find an appropriate response; I really didn't want to end the evening. Edward was so interesting, and I felt liberated just being with him. His presence was uplifting and inspiring, and I was certain with Edward by my side, I could conquer the world--or at least have the courage to try. He had unending confidence in me.

"Where do you think everyone is?" I tried for a casual conversation.

"Well it's a Thursday night, so I would say they're at the Sundown Showdown."

"Is that like an old west dual?" I asked amused at my comedic attempt.

"No," he responded, laughing heartily. "It's a weekly concert at Bryant Hall. You've never heard of it? It's a pretty big deal."

"No, I don't live here." I realized how out-of-the-loop I must have seemed. Other than classes, I spent zero time on campus or in Port Angeles. I hadn't made one friend other than Jessica.

"Well it's mostly local bands so it's not like Woodstock or Lilith Fair. But these crazy college kids love it."He grinned over the last part; it was obvious Edward was more mature than the average college kid. "I've never actually been, to be honest," he added.

"I see. Maybe I'll check it out sometime."

"Bella, it's only 8 o'clock. We could go tonight if you don't have other obligations."

Fortunately, I didn't have any other obligations. Jacob had yet to return my phone call, and since I centered my life around him, my calendar was pretty free. So by 10 pm that night, I was foolishly dancing to a 70s cover band called "Groovin' Moons." Edward and I sang along to every song and laughed when we missed the words. I was having fun for a change. Not that I didn't have fun with Jacob, I just never saw him.

Still going at midnight, Edward and I decided to leave the concert. As luck would have it, the previously brewing storm had reached its full potential, and the rain poured down in sheets. I sighed as I realized my truck was parked almost a mile away.

"Bella, my apartment is a closer walk than where you're parked. How about we just walk there and then I'll drive you back?" The hard pellets of rain made up my mind for me.

I agreed as I pulled my jacket hood over my head to protect my face. The sky flashed with lightning so Edward and I picked up the pace, and I concentrated heavily on not falling. When Edward realized I couldn't keep in step with him, he grabbed my hand and urged me to go faster. My fingers burned at the intensity of his touch, and I couldn't help but feel a little guilty, and extremely pleased, about deriving pleasure from simply holding his hand, weaving my fingers between his. Thunder cracked, and I shuddered in response. Edward moved his arm around me, offering me a calm reassurance. "We're almost there." I thought, for a moment anyway, that I was melting. His soft words in my ear sent chills up my spine. My body reacted to the pleasure of his whisper by moving closer to him, rib to rib closer.

In mere seconds, I was standing on the doorstep of his townhouse shivering from the rain as Edward released me to dig out his keys. Soon the door opened, and he placed his hand on my back, fostering me inside.

Edward's apartment was incredible. It looked like an interior designer had touched every square inch. Admiring the exquisite furnishings, I couldn't help but wonder how wealthy Edward Cullen must be. It was obvious most of the decorations and draperies were imported, and I imagined his mother to be a very prestigious lady, with impeccable taste.

"Bella, you're drenched. Would you like me to find you some dry clothes?"

I glanced down and saw that every piece of clothing was soaked through, including my bra and panties. Edward helped me out of my drenched jacket, and then I pulled my shoes and socks off on the foyer tile. I followed him into the rest of the apartment.

"Make yourself comfortable while I see what I can find," he smiled. In a quick moment, Edward came back with a pair of sweat shorts and a hockey t-shirt.

"It's the best I can do for your size. You can change in the bathroom if you like, and I'll put your clothes in the dryer."

I graciously accepted Edward's offer. I needed to be getting home, but I was certain to catch pneumonia if I didn't change clothes. I grabbed my phone out of my jacket and headed into Edward's bathroom. My hair hung in wet, knotted strings, and my little bit of mascara was smeared under my eyes. I grabbed a washcloth from the linen closet and began to clean my face. I took the phone in my other hand and dialed Jake's number.

"Hey, it's Jake. Leave me a message."

I didn't even bother. I had called Jake periodically over the last two days. Obviously, returning my messages was not a priority, and I wasn't chasing after him. He would call when he wanted to talk, and I may or may not oblige him. No matter how important it may be, I hated playing understudy to his job. Dialing Charlie's number next, I let him know I was staying with a friend because of the weather, and went back to drying off. Finding a comb in the mirrored cabinet, I tried raking through the mess of drowned auburn hair.

I took off all my clothes and laid them in a neat pile. I hesitated to take off my underwear, but ultimately I decided on removing them, for nothing was worse than wet-butt itch. I slipped the shorts on, and had one arm through the t-shirt when I heard a crack of lightning. The lights flickered out, and losing my balance, I stumbled into the door. I felt my way up the door frame, my arm still caught in the t-shirt sleeve, and managed to fix my body in a squatting position. Again, quick blasts of thunder shook the walls, and I found myself on the floor of the dark bathroom a second time. Deciding to use a different tactic, I stayed on my knees and crawled toward the door. My fingers narrowly found the knob when Edward flung the door open, catapulting me into his body, specifically the vicinity of his man berries. My intrusive crash resulted in Edward dropping his flashlight, allowing me the freedom to die in embarrassment without being seen.

"Oh, God! Edward, I'm so sorry."

"Bella, it's okay." His voice cracked. Guessing that impact wasn't so comfortable for him, I could feel the blush creeping into my cheeks. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I think so," I admitted honestly.

Edward started laughing at my calamity and lack of equilibrium, and I laughed in response to his extreme satisfaction. "We need to get somewhere safe," he acknowledged, grabbing my hand. My body went rigid in response to his touch, knowing that enjoying Edward's sensation was betrayal.

With our hands still locked, Edward led me into the bedroom across the hall. Cautiously, we made our way toward the bed and collapsed on top of the mattress. Laughter, once again, boomed out simultaneously. We laid there for a few minutes, allowing the darkness to calm us. Thunder echoed, breaking the silence, and reminding us of the hellacious storm outside. It wasn't safe to leave, and somehow, it wasn't safe to stay.

Moving his hand to my face, I felt him stroke the lone strands of hair away from my cheek. I couldn't make out his expression in the dark, but his breathing was ragged, and the heat from his lips told me that he was dangerously close to kissing me. My skin scorched in expectancy of his touch.

My thoughts were correct. The next second, I felt soft, lush, warm lips against mine. My mind begged my mouth not to respond, but my body urged me forward. I pursued Edward's mouth, his tongue, forgetting my very existence. He was incredibly inviting and overwhelming. I felt invincible and important just being entwined with him. Kissing Edward Cullen was not only invigorating; it was life sustaining. My heart had a purpose for beating; a purpose that wasn't present before.

Edward's hands glided down my ribs, eventually settling on my inner thigh. He deepened his tongue into my mouth, and I sighed in response. Soon, he was hovering over me grinding against my body. I fisted my fingers into his messy hair, thrusting him closer to me. I had never been this excited with my clothing, rather his clothing, still on. The thunder cracked as the rain pummeled the window, increasing force with each passing tick of the clock. The storm outside was building, only adding to the momentum between Edward and me.

"Bella," he whispered.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry." He broke free from me and sat up on the bed. "Bella, please forgive me. I shouldn't have...it was just...the moment...and the rain...I shouldn't have kissed you like that."

"Edward, it's okay. We'll just forget that it happened," I sighed, breathless and disappointed.

"I don't think I can just forget it. That was the most amazing kiss I've ever experienced." He seemed torn as he held his face in his palm, his hair tousled haphazardly.

"Oh," I responded, mirroring his sentiments exactly.

"Bella, I don't usually fraternize with the volunteers. It's not professional. The project is very important to me, and I take it seriously."

"Edward, really I understand. I shouldn't have kissed you back. It was a mistake." I was offering him consolation. He didn't need to feel guilty about kissing me. He hadn't jeopardized the project or our relationship. It was just a momentary reaction, a small show of weakness.

"Mistake?" he questioned.

"Yes. Mistake. I'm kind of involved with someone, anyway."

"Bella, I didn't know," his voice dropped just below a whisper, and he was overwhelmed with guilt.

"It's okay, Edward. How could you have known? I've never told you. It's just, well, I just got caught up in the moment; I'm sorry." I dropped my head in regret. "I wasn't trying to be dishonest." The lights flickered back on, and Edward sprang to his feet. "It's forgotten." I went back to the bathroom to gather my things. Edward showed me the laundry room, and I threw my clothes in the dryer.

"Are you hungry? I've got cereal, moldy bread, and some pizza sauce," he plainly stated, staring at the empty shelves of the pantry.

"Um, I take it you don't eat food?"

"Not here," he replied, with a big smile replacing the previous anxiety.

"I'm not hungry, but thank you just the same," I said condescendingly.

"TV, then?"

"Before I could answer, he was already on the leather couch flipping through the channels."

"The Biography Channel. Really?" I questioned.

"What?" he mocked.

"Nothing. I like it. Watch it all the time." He glared at me. "I do, seriously!"

He turned back to the screen and pretended to be engrossed in Charlie Chaplin's biography. I sensed his mind was elsewhere, possibly our kiss. Although it had been "forgotten," I couldn't get the memory out of my head or the taste out of my mouth.

"Wanna smoke?" he asked, extending a pack of Marlboro's at me.

"Uh, no, I quit. You should, too."

"I know, but even martyrs need a vice," he chuckled. He didn't know how true his words were. He placed the pack on the table, depriving himself of his "vice" for my sake.

By the end of the documentary, the dryer buzzed, and I retrieved my clothes, the storm still raging outside. When I arrived back in the living room, Edward was fixing the couch with a blanket and pillow.

"I'll sleep here, you can have my bed."

"That's not necessary, Edward. I can take the couch. I don't want to put you out."

"You're a guest. You can have the bed. No arguing." His voice was firm, confirming what I would be doing—not asking.

"But, I insist on the couch."

"No arguing."

"Fine." I stalked off toward the bedroom.

"Good night, Bella. Sweet dreams." I nestled myself into Edward's warm bed. _This is what Egyptian cotton feels like. These pillows are soft, must be down feathers. _It didn't take long for me to drift off to sleep.

Waking up the next morning, I found Edward was already gone. He left a note on the fridge reminding me to lock up when I left, and I sighed at his handwriting. I might as well been on the school yard giggling at the cute little boy who shared his crayons with me. I was giddy.

The kiss, although spectacular and amazing, unadulterated quantum bliss on my lips, had to be forgotten. Edward and I agreed it was a mistake. But, my mind kept reeling over it; the touch, the taste, the detonation of my senses. The lines had blurred with that kiss, and wrong had become right. I cringed internally, knowing all too well that blurred lines meant trouble. It would be nearly impossible to forget a kiss like that.

***

"Bella, you have a visitor," Alice called from the counselor's resource room. I hoped by _visitor_ she meant Edward, because I hadn't seen him since last Thursday night. Needing to protect my secret, I tried to prepare myself to face him. I had not forgotten our kiss, nor did I want to.

I was shocked to see that it was actually Jacob standing on the other side of the hallway from the file room. I had not spoken to Jake since last Tuesday. Exactly seven days. I couldn't define my relationship with Jacob, but it had definitely taken on a new form. Despite my abhorrence for our situation, I couldn't help but feel guilty for kissing Edward. Jacob had not betrayed me in that way. After months of being drug down, ignored, and forsaken, I was now the villain. Even the taste of Edward's tongue against mine couldn't correct the acrimonious deed from that night. Jacob had always been true to me, he was finding his way in life, and I customarily did not fit in.

"Bells, hey."

"Hi, Jake. I wasn't expecting to see you," I said, my words yielded in hesitant surprise.

"Yeah, I know. Is it okay that I'm here?"

"Yes. I'll be through in a little bit. Meet me outside."

"Okay," he agreed.

Jake seemed weighted. I was certainly disconcerted by the worry evident on his face. I hadn't been a priority in Jake's life for awhile, and his visit here had me unnerved. Had he found out about my offense?

"Bella, if you need to go," Alice began.

"Oh, no. It's only ten minutes."

"Yes, only ten minutes. Go." I grabbed my bag and raced outside. Jacob was leaning against the building.

"Jake."

"Bells… I need to talk you."

"Is everything okay?" My heart raced at the implications of his words.

"Babe, I've got some big news, and I need you to listen. I got a call from the Seattle Police Chief." His eyes glazed as he revealed this piece of information, and my stomach began to churn. "There's a detective position open, and they're interested in me. They want me to begin training next week."

"Wow, Jake. Does Charlie know?" I had to ask. Losing him would devastate Charlie.

"Yeah. I discussed it with him this morning."

"So are you gonna take the job?" I started.

"Bella, I know things between us are not perfect. It's complicated and has been for awhile. This job is what I want, and I'm leaving Forks to start new. You know me, Bells. I wanna help people. I wanna make a difference in the world--It's important for me. I've dreamt about an opportunity like this, and you know it's what I feel like I was born to do," his words ran together and his pitch became louder. He was trying to convince himself that what he was doing was right as well.

"Jake, you have my blessing." I heard this routine a thousand times before: Jacob Black and his law enforcing destiny. I got it. With respect and envy, I wished I had found a direction in my life as he had. Besides, Seattle couldn't prove to be any more distant than what we currently were going through.

"Bella, it's unfair to you. There's already distance between us, and I don't want to... God... I wish there was some other way. But, I have to say goodbye for now. Ya know, once I'm settled, it may be different." He tried to offer me consolation, but I cut him short. If he was going to leave like this, I wasn't allowing him the pleasure of making excuses.

"This is more than goodbye, isn't it?" I asked, forcing out the question against the rising mass of bile in my throat. I absentmindedly rubbed my fingers across my forehead in an attempt to understand the complete meaning behind Jake's goodbye. I looked down at the ground as my hands fisted my hair into knots, and I saw the pavement swirling beneath me. The bile threatened me once more, and my throat burned in response. Jacob wasn't telling me goodbye...he was telling me bye for good.

I wanted to yell at him, to beg him to reconsider, to hold him. But, I stood there searching for the courage to speak. I finally cleared my throat and looked at Jacob. I could sense he was truly torn, but his mind was made up. I could rationalize his decision to leave, but because of my lack of persistence, I could also blame myself. I didn't love him deep enough, and I was messed up emotionally.

But the truth was, no matter what illustration I offered, the reasons were clear. Jacob loved his chosen career more than he loved me. He was unwilling to compromise, and at that revelation, I stormed off in anger, rage burning inside of me. I wasn't good enough for him.

"Bella, please!" he called after me, his steps quickly catching up to mine.

"When?" I asked, barely audible.

"Bella, don't." He grabbed my wrists, spun me around, and forced me to look into his eyes. My anger subsided when I saw the confusion set deep in the dark abyss of his eyes. My heart threatened to stop if I didn't look away, but his eyes were always a welcoming fountain of happiness, and I couldn't stand the depredation evident in them. In order to stop him from changing the direction of my fury, I shut my eyes and recoiled my former misplaced mercy, allowing the anger to resurface. No understanding would be required for I was the one being hurt here. And, no matter how noble Jacob's reasons were, he was the one leaving me. When the train crashes, it doesn't matter that the faulty track was laid with good intentions; the aftermath is certain... pure devastation.

"Why, Jacob? Why are you leaving me? Why aren't you even giving us the option to make a relationship work? Why are you just giving up?" The questions came out in revolutions of wails and sobs. My arms ached to reach out to him, fingers burned to touch him. I wanted to burrow close to him and forget about all of this.

"Bella, you're not happy with me now. You hardly speak to me. Moving to Seattle is only going to complicate things more. I can't love you the way you need me to; the way I want to be able to." His body drew into itself as he spoke the most honest of truths.

"So that's it. You can just forget about me. About us," I stammered.

"No, Bella. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, it's not fair to make you wait for me. Broken promises and good intentions are all that I can give you," he paused, wiping the tears from my face. "You deserve better." I let my face collapse into his chest.

I never thought I would be losing Jake entirely. I knew things were unsteady, but I assumed they would work themselves out. I raised my head and took in one, last, long look.

"Goodbye, Jake," I said, letting go and stepping back from him.

"Bye, Bells." He kissed my forehead and walked to his motorcycle. I watched him ride away, as he faded further into the distance. The pieces of my broken heart dissolved one by one, and I was left with the pain from my loss.


	4. Chapter 4: My Undoing

**A/N: I have no rights to anything in the world of Twilight...it's all property of the respective owners. I only love it. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Mombailey is one awesome beta. She takes my words and works them into the brilliance you are reading. My hubby is no Edward, btvsna, Live720, bloodofbeckie, and ysar: Thank you for your part in this story. You gave me insight, and hope. And helped me stay on the intended path. I appreciate you ladies more than you will know. Miss__Bratt is the keeper of my wolf heart. **

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**WARNING: Explicit Material contained in this chapter. ****Chapter 4 is a flashback to Bella's teenage life and details some of the anguish, and the self-imposed coping methods she used to deal with her problems. Bella suffers from abandonment and low self-esteem. I do not condone or approve of the behavior displayed by Bella's character, but I do acknowledge that this is a real part of life. That a lack of stability coupled with immaturity results in devastation. I in no way want to offend or hurt anyone. I apologize if what's written is hurtful to some of my readers. I know some of this will be hard to digest, but I've mustered the courage to continue this story in this direction. You will see Bella's struggles chronicled, but she will heal!**

**Also, please listen to the song for this chapter. Anytime I write a story and attach a song, I half-heartily believe the readers listen to it. I beg you to please listen to this song right now. It is incredibly moving and perfect for Bella's situation. http://www(dot)imeem(dot)com/artists/kendall_payne/music/lbdcpDh4/kendall-payne-honest/**

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Chapter 4: "My Undoing"

*~*~*Listening to _Honest _by Kendall Payne*~*~*

_If you can be honest, I can be too  
If you'll take the first step, I'll follow you through  
But no one wants to bleed, no one wants to hide _

_No one wants to hurt, alone inside _

~*~*~*~November 2004~*~*~*~

Lauren and I had been best of friends since first grade. _Together_, we passed many childhood milestones, learning to ride bikes and tie our shoes. We took ballet classes, and piano lessons, and sold girl scout cookies. In junior high, we obsessed over our hair, and makeup, and boys. We giggled and talked on the phone for hours on end about nothing. We had sleepovers, bunked together at summer camp, and played spin the bottle with our N'sync posters. We shared clothes and secrets. We laughed, and we cried. Bella and Lauren, the best of friends, the two of us _together_ equated to a single unit. You didn't get one without the other, because we were a packaged deal.

Instability was, ironically, the only constant in my life. My father lived in Washington, and my mother was too self-absorbed with her own interests to notice that I was growing up. I was practically abandoned and alone. My friendship with Lauren was the only part of my adolescence that I could smile upon.

High school posed a challenge for us, and we gradually became independent of each other-no longer just Bella and Lauren. I struggled daily with highs and lows, hits and misses, just trying to become my own person in a world that I was disconnected from. Lauren blossomed into a beautiful, social butterfly, and I was still lying dormant in my cocoon. Through all of our differences, Lauren attempted to be a good friend to me, always welcoming me into her life. But, like everywhere else, I didn't belong there.

Honestly, I didn't belong anywhere.

Fall formal was the elite dance for the sophomore class. Only a selective group from the tenth grade would be invited to the Jr/Sr prom, leaving the dance as the social highlight of the year. Lauren begged me to come help her get ready for the event. Her mother, a national pharmaceutical rep, was working out of town, and Lauren insisted she needed my feminine expertise. I immediately saw through her ruse for what it was, but I obliged her anyway.

Mrs. Mallory had very little involvement in Lauren's life, considering she spent no more than seven days per month at home. A _pseudo-__mother _was one of the many familial similarities that created the early bond Lauren and I shared, along with being virtually fatherless. Our lack of a parental unit was one of the only remaining parallels in our changing lives.

I spent the day with Lauren at the salon while she got her hair done and a mani-pedi. I smiled and laughed at the appropriate times like good friends do, secretly feeling like a blotch of white paint against a palette of vibrant crayons. I was truly happy for Lauren, her steady boyfriend was Tyler Crowley-sophomore class president and all-American baseball star. A perfect match for my exquisitely beautiful best friend. Lauren was blessed with long, silky, blond hair, deep blue eyes, and a golden sunset tan. I, being her polar opposite, did not have one boy interested in me. So, as the cards lay, I would not be attending the fall formal.

I sat on Lauren's bed, rifling through stacks of magazines as she got dressed in the bathroom. The doorbell rang out and I hurried downstairs to let her date in. Lauren's brother, James, was in the kitchen on the phone. So being the good steward, I made no haste to let Tyler, and his over sized corsage in the door.

James came out to join me and Tyler as Lauren graced the staircase. She looked amazingly beautiful in a long black dress, clinging dangerously to every unsolicited curve of her body. I felt a tinge of jealousy in that moment. Not only was Lauren breathtakingly beautiful, she had an admiring boyfriend, and a sibling to share her emotional parental baggage.

"Bella, thank you for your help today. You're the greatest friend," she said as she whisked by me.

Lauren was selfless in a way that most people would never realize. Today had not been about her, our outing was more for my benefit than anything else.

"Sure, anytime," I replied dutifully.

I stood in the door as Lauren and Tyler left, pangs of guilt and jealousy crashing over me simultaneously.

"Bella, do you need a ride home?" James called from the family room.

"Oh, no thank you, I can walk." I replied. I needed to silence my mind, halt the insecurities before they swelled out of control. A walk was exactly what I needed- to be alone again with my thoughts.

"Say why aren't you going to the dance?" He asked from behind me. I turned to meet his expression, expecting some kind of joke. But, all I found was a real concern in his dark blue eyes.

I was taken off guard by James' question. He was always genuinely nice to me, but never personal. He was Lauren's older brother, and for the majority of our friendship I had been nothing more than a pestilence to him. James was twenty-two, and had moved back home only a couple of months ago. Like Lauren, he was good looking, boasting a rugged jawline, short blond hair and smoldering he went off to college he was just a bony, dorky kid. Amazing what four years will do.

"I didn't get asked," I replied honestly.

"A pretty girl like you? Those teenage boys don't know what they're missing." His compliment stabbed me.

"Oh, please. You'll embarrass me," I joked lightly, hiding the fact that I was in pain over situation.

He moved closer to me and put his hand on my cheek, he gazed at me for what felt like a burning eternity. "Bella, you are an exquisite beauty. You're gonna break hearts one day," he said somberly. "Wait here."

I stood in the living room, the silence encircling me and adding to my nervousness. I had always felt comfortable in the Mallory home, but the moment James touched my face something shifted. Like a tsunami in the ocean, the ground beneath me collided in great force, and I began to look at him differently. The scene unfolded rapidly, and although it felt slightly indecorous, I couldn't walk away. In just a moment James came back in to the room and with a touch of a remote, music began to flow throughout the still house. I immediately recognized the song as one of mine and Lauren's favorites, "I'm with you." We had sung the Avril Lavigne song a million times since we first heard it on the radio.

With a wide grin and a twinkle in his eye, James extended his hands to me and I graciously obliged. With great ease I began to sway with his steps as if dancing was instinctual. I closed my eyes and allowed the warmth of his touch to take me over. The room disappeared and the world went with it, erasing away my worries and my cares. All that was present was the two of us entwined, and the infiltration of the music, letting my soul soar above me and my pain to subside. I simply had escaped my complicated entrapped world. I laid my head purposely on his chest; the steady rhythm of his heart blanketed me in needed comfort. We moved in tandem across the floor as the world continued to dissipate. My heart finally freed itself of its barriers. A lone tear escaped from my eye, and I realized how lacking my life truly was. James moved his hands lower on my back and pulled me in closer. My tears flowed as the music faded and we continued to dance in muted bliss. When I was all cried out, I took in a gasp of air, not sure how long it had been since the last one. Before distancing himself, James tenderly kissed the top of my head. "Bella, never let anyone tell you that you're not special," he said, as he wiped the remainder of my tears away.

I should have felt strange by his affection, but I craved it. In hindsight, I supposed he was filling two of the voids in my life-my need for a male role model and my need for intimacy. For months I had this sensation that I was trapped on a ledge clinging for life, unable to save myself, desperately hoping, searching for a savior. Someone to care enough to extend a hand and help me down. James had not only given me a hand to hold onto, he had carried me down from the ledge.

From that night on I began to see James differently. Every time I visited their home there was a secret connection. A glimmer in his stare, a hint of something greater in his laugh. Soon, James became a steadfast part of my life. Phone conversations, emails, texts, everyday life was infiltrated by James. By the time the new year rolled around we had developed a very close bond, and I found my self desperately seeking his affection and attention, with no real rationale as to why.

I ran into him at the park on a Saturday afternoon in January. I was recovering from a horrific fight with Renee about my assumed spring break visit to Forks. Her only purpose in life was to use me to make Charlie miserable. Needless to say, I wouldn't be going to see my father. When I saw James from the distance, I knew fate had intervened. At that moment I wasn't certain in what capacity , even in that instant I had mixed feelings toward him. He could easily be a strong male role model, but I could see him playing a more intimate role in my life. In fact I had dreamed about it. Bouncing through the possibilities I ran up to him, out of breath, determined to channel the source of my need for him.

"Hey, Bella-boo," he greeted me enthusiastically. It never failed, James was always glad to see me. His smile beamed wide, and I swelled with pride at his admiration. His eyes danced when he smiled, which filled me with bliss.

"Hey, J! What are you doing?"

"Just came for a walk, I've got to maintain good health. Keep the heart active."

"You look like you're in shape to me." He had an exquisite body, the type of male form Renee used for her nude paintings; one of her many hobbies.

I studied his expression of shock, followed by understanding. I smiled internally at the confidence rising in me. I could never outwardly flirt with the guys from my school.

James grinned cautiously in response to my compliment, unsure of how to process my advances. I stared at him seductively, letting him know that my flirting had more than a friendly connotation behind it. I was definitely out of my element, but I was following my intuition. And it paid off, fifteen minutes later James and I were in the back of his Lincoln Navigator kissing with more passion and ferocity than I ever thought possible. Long gone were the days of N'sync poster kissing in Lauren's bedroom. I had moved on to her brother.

~*~*~*~July, 2005~*~*~*~

My time was constantly consumed by useless wishing. Each one in vain. My desires for a second chance, one small opportunity to change the past. Wishing I hadn't made the mistakes that I continually made. Guilt ridden hopes was all I had left since I forfeited everything else for my repulsive indiscretions. At the hem of my failure was my regret, each one bearing a close resemblance to insanity. Although I was saddened by my past mistakes, I wasn't apologetic. I had severed friendships and lost trust, but I accepted that the consequences for my sin would be great. Despite the irrationality of it all, I had actually considered the 'what ifs' and the lingering doubts.

James made me feel special and appreciated. For once in my life, I felt needed, purposeful, and I gave him something that no one else could. Logic and morality faded from my mind, and all I wanted was to please him simply because I could. He melted resolve by calling me beautiful.

There are times when the lines blur and wrong seems right; times when judgment fades and a driving impulse decides what's best for you. There was no price too great for the taste of this liberating rebellion, and I ultimately had to pay that personal price. Not once did I feel like I was being deceived by his actions, and I never considered myself a victim of his wants. My free-will choice was the driving force behind my determination, and truthfully, the purpose urging my desires. None of my friends knew, nor would they have believed that I held two personas within my petite body. One was the all around good student, the shy girl next door. Another, however, was the underage, secret lover of my best friend's brother.

When James came into my life, he filled a painful void in my soul that had always been unnameable. I'm not sure what was the worse of the feelings-the empty feeling or the not knowing. It was through his showers of praise and admiration that I gained confidence and assurance of myself. Although I was shy and timid in the beginning, I began to shed my former shell. Realizing my strengths, I became a poison for James.

Committing to memory every touch, kiss, and smile that he reacted to, it had become my mission to bring this man extreme satisfaction, all the while enjoying the power I had over him. Our arrangement was conditional on many levels, but soon enough, romance was determined to not be one of them. We never shared "I love yous" or "sweet nothings." Our agreement was simple, pure, unabated pleasure, raw and undisciplined. He gave me the sense of authority that I hungered for, the ability to take charge of my own desires. When everything else in my life-my mother, my father, my emotions- was beyond my reach, our bond was the only stability I had.

Our relationship was built on a mutual understanding; I satisfied his needs for physical love, and he pacified my need for emotional control. I enjoyed the surge of freedom and power that came with my relationship with James. The adrenaline and rush of defiance was what turned me on, not the embodiment of the person I was with. It wasn't the sex I wanted or needed, it was the taste of reckless abandonment. The exhilaration of a colossal insurgence against everything expected of me.

Being with him was like a drug, the threshold rising with every encounter. He gave utility to my sickness, enabling me to fulfill a fantasy of being in control, while every other aspect of my life was domineered by someone or something else. But with James, I had full control of my thoughts and reactions. It was that control that I sought the most. It was that control, once lost, that would be my demise. "Bella," he said my name so softly. I felt elated as the sound rolled from his lips. I met his stare and noticed the hunger was satisfied; I had willingly pleased him, again.

I inhaled the cigarette and exhaled slowly. Smoking was always terribly disgusting to me until James showed me the seductive power it held. I would curl my lips as the smoke slowly rolled out, and he would automatically melt back into me, my charms irresistible to him. I smiled knowing he was mesmerized by watching my chest rise and fall with each draw and release. It was so easy to distract James. He was fascinated by my body, by my taste, by my presence. The undulated movements of my body coupled beside of his were weapons of torture. Part of the game was exciting him, making him want me, and I used my freshly trained devices with careless discretion. Sexual inexperience was not a deterrent, I learned quickly what I needed in order to seduce James. With my head laid against my antique white headboard and the cigarette rested between my fingers, I expressively permitted him to finish his thought. He cleared his throat and took in the expanse of my entire body, gathering his words, or in this instance, summoning his courage.

"Bella, we can't continue this." He stared up at the ceiling in my bedroom, internally fighting against the desire to make love to me one last time. The past seven months had been one thrilling adventure after another, the bar set higher each time. Ignoring the repercussions of such inexcusable behavior, we continued with the debauchery of our affair, living only for the instant gratification of the moment.

I adjusted my body closer to his, blazing his flesh with the warmth of my skin, hinting at the sacrifice he was about to make by letting me go. James loved the high of having me tend to his every physical whim, and making sure he was satisfied was a prideful accomplishment of this game. I grazed my lips across his chest, whispering kisses against his flesh. Instead of caving into me with desire and lust, he stood up beside the bed and began putting his clothes on, assuring me he was ready to give up the habit. Our physical exchanges were the only release I could find from the internal turmoil that plagued me. He was a source of sadistic refuge, and I needed him far greater than he needed me.

"You know this is wrong, don't you, Bella?" It wasn't until he categorized the situation as wrong that I realized the severity of my actions, and consequently, the reasons behind them. Wrong or not, I still wanted him.

So, I acted like any immature sixteen year old girl would act. I cried and begged for him to change his mind. I confessed my love, although unreal, to him. I threatened his life and told him I would tell his family and the police. Unsatisfied by his indifferent reactions, I went into a rage so violent that I don't remember anything but waking up at the bottom of the stairs the next afternoon, stark naked and in pain. I was bruised and aching, and my hair was matted with blood, surely from the fall. I tried to stand up, but the pain radiating from my side knocked me back to my knees. I slowly, carefully, inched myself up the stairs and crawled into my room. The pain was so fierce I couldn't catch my breath.

I couldn't wrap my mind around what had happened. The possibility of me falling down the stairs was very real. But could James have done this to me? Was I a victim after all? I had no recollection of what happened, but it didn't matter, without James I was truly alone. I pulled the purple comforter from the mattress and wrapped myself up, sleeping on the floor until the next morning.

That single event would be my undoing, infesting everything in my life. I had no propulsion to exist, my will ripped from me with quantum force. I replaced food with cigarettes and, when I could get it, alcohol. I seldom showered, or changed clothes. I hated everything and everyone. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't watch TV. I was either an over sensitive emotional wreck or completely numb, void of all feelings. But it was night that I dreaded most. Nightmares would have been a welcomed plague against my normal after dark routine. Each night I methodically went to bed to sleep like a normal person, whatever normal was. Obeying the traditions of sleep, I fluffed my pillows, snuggled into my sheets, and I closed my eyes.

Instead of peace or relaxation, my mind began to spin wildly, and the walls around me were closing in. My airway would constrict as the fear manifested itself in my body, eventually forcing my eyes back open, left to stare at the ceiling in the darkness. I felt depersonalized, my mind and my body disconnected, fighting a warfare that both parties were losing. The realization that I was alone in this world and the fact that I had no outlet for my internal affliction threatened my very existence. I missed James, and the unequivocal gift he gave me by allowing me into his life. Lying in torment hour after hour, the empty darkness would carry me into a new day, and I would feel disappointed that I had to see another sunrise. I was without focus or ambition. Renee was gone for the summer, traveling with Phil's summer league baseball team. Since I was forbidden to stay with my father, I was abandoned in Phoenix, left with only my despairing thoughts.

I needed a distraction. I needed James to stop the racing thoughts and escalating emotions.

~*~*~*~August 2005~*~*~*~

The day it happened was a hot August day. The Phoenix sun was out in full force and by 8 am the heat was unbearable. I had gone into the hallway to turn the AC up in an effort to pry my clothes from my sticky body. It had been another sleepless night, bringing my count of insomnia to thirty-six hours without one wink of sleep. I was drained and physically on the verge of collapsing.

The thought of dying never occurred to me. In that moment I was, in fact, concerned with life. I needed to know that my heart was beating, that I was not burning up in some solitary hell for sleeping with my best friend's brother-a tormenting place with no rest or resolve. Was this my punishment? Without realizing it, I opened the door of the linen closest. I don't remember searching for it, but I grabbed a razor blade from the cleaning caddy. In bouts of mania my mother would use a razor blade and a toothbrush to clean every square inch of our house. I had toyed with the idea for a while. The thoughts appearing periodically with no warning. I had nothing to lose, so I sat down in the floor by the closet door and methodically started carving into my arm. I instantly became nauseous as the smell assaulted me. Had I momentarily forgotten my distaste for the smell of human blood? I normally would have fainted at the hint of the coppery tinged liquid, but soon the smell disappeared, and my mind only focused on the steady trickle of blood from the graze against my skin.

I held my arm up, watching the tiny drops of crimson life stream from the small cut on my wrist down to the peak of my elbow, eventually settling onto the carpet below me. I was relieved by the reassurance of life inside of my veins. The blood flow hushed, thickening at the center of the slit. I watched it dry, staining the former trail dark pink. I took in a deep breath. The sting of the wound had subsided, and I felt nothing. Exhausted and unsatisfied, I repositioned the razor blade between my thumb and finger. Just like the first tear of flesh, I became perfectly still, neither numb nor erratic. Simply and perfectly at peace. I continued until there were at least a dozen small cuts from my wrist up my forearm. With each cut I relaxed a little more. My body calmed enough with this lucid release that for the first time in months I had a restful sleep.

I soon realized that cutting had the same effect on me that my relationship with James had, and with that realization, it became habitual. At least until it almost ended my life.

Three days after the first incident, I began to feel alone and lost; my mind clouded with uncertainty. In true dependent fashion, I grabbed the razor from the confines of my nightstand and headed for the bathroom. Still scabbed from the first therapy session, my right wrist was no longer viable. I traced the small marks with my finger, contemplating the source of my behavior. I was aware that cutting into my flesh just to feel bordered insanity. With no resolve, I rubbed the blade across the scars. I needed to see the blood, feel it leave my body, in order to receive the rush of exuberance I needed. Exhaling deeply, I precisely placed the blade on the thick flesh of my forearm. The incision was superficial, barely stinging. My frustration intensified, and after a momentary struggle in my mind, I moved the razor to my other hand. Determined not to fail this time, I placed the razor on my undefiled wrist, closed my eyes, and with more force than intended, I cut into my flesh. Dying was not my original intention, but given the alternative, I was not disappointed by the possibility...

I sat up in the bed, my overnight bag laying in the floor beside the door. Once the doctor gave the final discharge orders I would be going home. Charlie stood in the corner, looking out the window, only to see the faded bricks of the adjacent wing. He had been staring at those bricks for five days. I felt guilty that Charlie had come, his presence was unnecessary, but secretly welcomed.

I couldn't explain my behavior. I didn't understand it myself, so I remained silent. Only admitting over and over that I was not trying to kill myself. Although the thought of death did bring me some peace. Renee thought I was seeking attention. As usual she was a million miles from reality. I couldn't argue with her, the scars and scabs on my forearms extinguished any credibility I had. She thought I had purposely attempted suicide, knowing she would be home to find me.

I don't remember much after I nicked the vein. Blood gushed from the accidental cut and I grew weak, eventually passing out on the bathroom floor. I remember the tile cooling my face, and the blood warming my skin, and the sting of the cut. But everything else had faded. At some point, Renee found me and called 911.

My hospital stay was surreal. I spent three nights in ICU, talking to a team of doctors, therapists, and shrinks. I took a bouquet of chemically induced happiness: some round white pills, a blue pill, and a discolored oblong capsule. I ate bland vegetables, drank bitter apple juice and watched the TV flash beams of different light, without ever knowing what was going on. Listening to the symphony of beeps, drips, and purrs of the equipment by my bed, I laid awake all night staring at the ceiling, recounting every mistake and fallacy I had in my life. I smiled at Charlie, Lauren, and Renee and Phil, never once confessing my truest infidelities. I tried to act normal when the chaplain came to talk to me, but my thoughts raced, and my mind whirred. I was acting in a play, and performing flawlessly. I felt even more lost and hopeless, and I wanted another razor.

With my head in my hands, I prayed to a higher power, begging for direction. A map to show me which route I needed to take in order to heal. Although it didn't find me immediately, a few months after the incident, I found the path I needed to be on, and a guide, in the form of a therapist, to show me the way. Healing, I learned, was a long process, and although my cutting lifestyle had ended in complete failure just days after it began, the release was unforgettable.

My therapist, Dr. Cristina Rees, wanted me to journal when I felt low, but I thought it was ridiculous. Writing words could not have the same power over me that cutting, or an affair, or any of the other self destructive behaviors I engaged in did. But I would soon learn, that words written from the heart were the greatest release.

It wasn't until the next spring that I would actually realize that writing was my savior, and I had begun to rebuild myself from the inside out. Parts of it were scary, some times I was plagued with unsure doubt, but I was in fact healing. Dr. Rees continued to see me, and my healing continued in the same manner. I had come along way in just a few short years.

I still had my issues, the biggest of which was shutting people out. I couldn't allow myself to open up or let them in. I had secrets to hide, lurid infidelities to keep covered over, experiences that not even Dr. Rees knew about. But as the days, the months, and the years passed, I started feeling whole again. With every page I wrote, I found myself closer to feeling; the years of neglect and misdirection were fading away, and I was learning to react with emotion and passion accordingly. My fear and pain was buried deep in my heart, and as long as it stayed there, I could breathe a little easier.

**A/N: If you made it this far, I commend you. Thank you for reading, I'd love to know what you think, and how you feel. I know a lot of you are not really accepting the turn of events. I apologize for changing the story so much. But I'm an emotional writer and I can't write just fluff. **


	5. Chapter 5: Wounds

**A/N: I do not possess any rights to Twilight, all characters, settings, etc are the property of Stephenie Meyer and their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Mombailey is the beta with the skills to make this story readable. Without her awesomeness the world would dissolve. Also a quick shout out to My hubby is no Edward for her help on this chapter. **

**Head First Fearless**

Chapter 5: "Wounds"

"When I stand before thee at the day's end, thou shat see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing." ~ Rabindranath Tagore

~*~*~*~*~Listening to ~ Out of the Dark by Matt Hires~*~*~*~*~

Wounds heal. With time, scars will take their place as a reminder that our deepest wounds, in fact, will heal. Broken hearts will beat on. Pain, eventually becomes subjective, trapping us only when we allow it. The emptiness can be filled; the void replaced. Yes, wounds will heal, hiding our cryptic past, leaving us a token in the form of scars to remind us of the pain and hurt buried just beneath the cover of where the indignity first began.

* * *

It took every minuscule ounce of energy I had not to collapse in the parking lot. Jacob had been a savior of sorts, in his own right, and now, he was gone. He gave me a smile when I couldn't find one and a zest for life when I didn't want one. His jokes were funny, and his smile infectious. His stories were uplifting on the saddest of days, and his innocence and purity affirmed goodness in humanity, and he restored my faith in life. Jacob's view of the world was infinitely optimistic, and I missed him already. He balanced me, tried me, tempted me, and dared me, each of which equally gave me back pieces of myself that I thought had disappeared for good; if they had ever existed at all.

I had lost so much when Jacob drove away. He had become my friend, someone with which to share laughs and jokes. He had become my rock, someone for me to confide in. He was my comforter, although I never really let him in to see the true me. He could sense when my past troubles bothered me, when the haunts of my former life threatened me. He had become a lover, pushing my marred view of intimacies away and teaching me how to simply be and purely love. Jacob allowed me a healthy dose of passion and romance, without selfish motive and self gratification that often accompanied such intense emotions.

I sat on the curb in the parking lot until the sun faded behind the storm clouds. Darkness threatened to consume me as I visually finalized the remainder of my life without Jacob in my mind. He was my first true love, my first real confidant, and the first person to show me love selflessly. My brain commanded my body to move, but it was unresponsive and numb with loss.

Jacob found me mid-spiral, and he changed my direction. When my life was headed for that painful familiar path, he stopped me in my tracks, turned me around, and gave me a new purpose. His love saved me, and I never _once _told him. He never heard how much I needed him. If he had known, perhaps things would be different now.

I could blame him. I could blame his passion for the job, and I could call him young, selfish, and uncaring. But, at the heart of it, I knew I was the culprit. I had pushed Jake away with my bitterness and foolish pride. My life was complete with Jacob, everything in existence made sense. He counteracted my weaknesses, and he compensated for my flaws. Was I really going to lose that?

"Bella," a muffled voice called from behind me.

"Yes," I answered without looking up not caring who was speaking to me.

"Are you okay?" The question came when black leather shoes appeared in my line of vision, disrupting my fixed stare on the pavement.

"Yeah," I said, unwilling to meet his gaze.

"You're shaking." He bent down to eye level with me, squatting on his toes. "Are you sure?" My head snapped up to see Edward's beautiful, emerald eyes dripping with concern. I stared at him before answering, trying to ascertain some sensible wording to explain myself and feeling comforted just being near him. Although the sun was still behind the clouds, it suddenly seemed brighter in my spot of the world.

"Shaking?" I asked, realizing that I had drawn my knees to my chest, and I was, indeed, shaking.

"Bella, what happened?" Edward's voice was soothing away the pain and hurt. It wasn't his words that eased the discomfort, not the way a quote of scripture at a funeral offers consolation to the family of the deceased, but the remedy from Edward was a physical energy, a force calming my spirit, not easing my mind. My head was still confused and struggled to make sense, but my body was no longer tensed.

"Nothing," I replied.

"Really?" he retorted.

"Yes," I muttered in return.

"Since you don't want to talk about it, would you like to go back to my place? We could always watch the Biography channel," he made it sound like a question. I don't remember saying anything, but I must have agreed, for soon after, I found myself in Edward's apartment.

I remained silent, catatonic even. Edward offered me some coffee, and I nodded my acceptance. He brought the red mug over to me and sat down on the opposite end of the sofa. Momentarily, I heard snippets of an interview with Donald Trump. _The Biography Channel._

"Are you ready to talk? There's approximately… 45 seconds until the 'Donald' is back on." The comforting smile was trying to bleed through his words.

"Edward... I really don't..." I couldn't find the words, nor did I want to. "I'm okay." And for the moment I truly was okay. Edward, through some unknown majesty, was capable of making problems disappear beneath some unseen armor. I knew once I was alone again that my heart would break all over at the pain of losing Jacob.

"Well if that's what you choose, then I'll honor your request." He was trying so hard to be understanding, and his patience was astounding.

"Thank you."

The next segment ended and Edward turned to face me. "Now?" he asked. I sat motionless against the deep grained leather of his couch. Knowing he wasn't going to give up, I shrugged my shoulders and tried to answer him, mentally bracing myself for the approaching stabbing of my heart.

"Jacob left."

"The boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"Wow, I'm sorry. It didn't have anything...to do..." His body became rigid, and he sat straight up, guilt written in the creases of his wrinkled brow. It was obvious his mind had returned to the stolen kiss of a night's curiosity; a kiss that no longer seemed relevant or important. _Just a mistake_.

"No, it had nothing to do with us." He seemed relieved by my answer and relaxed again. Jacob had no knowledge of my misgiving with Edward, and that secret made the hurt intensify.

I picked up a stack of pamphlets from the coffee table. It looked as if Edward was working on a new program for the project, and I took the liberty to leaf through the pages, each one filled with information, and a picture of a lost, helpless teenager. I stared at young eyes plagued with pain and void of innocence - telling a story of anguish and desperation, a story that I personally knew.

_Had I really changed in the last few years? Had I conquered?_ I looked at my wrists, the healed ruins of flesh very much visible, and wondered if I was any different than the girl I had been in Phoenix. It wasn't as if the scars would just someday disappear, erasing the suppressed pain and hurt with them. I would carry them with me—forever--both the physical and emotional. My mind danced at the revelation as I stared into nothing, my eyes open but not seeing anything. Edward shifted in his seat beside me, leaning forward for a moment, retreating when he saw the seriousness of my thoughts.

_Was healing complete and total? Or, was healing only a temporary avoidance of buried pain?_ I couldn't expect to ever be rid of my scars. So, if I had to live a life with my reminders, then I had to live a life with the initial reasons for them. Because of my insecurities I had allowed a division between myself and Jake, and I had given up the fight before it begun.

Of course, he needed to move on with his life without me. One in which he never really had _me _to begin with. I never fully committed myself to him, only the parts I thought he would want. The beginning was fun. But beginnings were like that: fun, scary, exciting, and happy. Then things settle and become comfortable. I couldn't adjust to it, because nothing, or no one, had ever stayed in my life long enough to find permanence.

"Edward, why do you do it?"

He only stared at me, trying to dissect my question. I supposed I had blind-sided him as I went from complete silence to blurting out random questions.

"The center, the kids, the project...why?" I explained further, waving the pamphlets in my hand.

He moved to the corner of the room and retrieved a dark stained shadow box from the top shelf. I moved closer to the middle of the sofa, as he sat down beside me.

"Here," he delicately handed me the aged box. Inside were a white lace handkerchief and several pieces of broken china in a blue and white pattern. The centerpiece of the attraction was the remnant of a small porcelain tea cup handle.

"What is this?" I couldn't fathom what an old box of useless glass would have to do with Edward's lifelong dream. I eagerly anticipated his answer, knowing that I would have at least one more piece of the puzzle.

"At one time it was my great-great grandmother's favorite teacup."

"Family heirloom? Is that why you have it?" I asked curiously. Although the pattern was beautiful, I really didn't see why anyone would hang on to broken pieces. To most people, it was nothing more than useless junk.

"My great-great grandmother came from England to America in 1925. With a husband, four children, a little bit of money and a dream, she boarded a ship and never looked back. This teacup was only one of a few belongings she had from her life in England. My grandmother found it in her mother's attic about 40 years ago." Edward's eyes were bright with nostalgia as he remembered his family's story, no doubt recited to him countless times.

My fingers lolled against the glass, thinking of the courage Edward's great-great grandmother must have had risking everything for a new life. I broke my thoughts and saw Edward smiling at the memories.

"My grandparents lived in San Francisco when I was a child, ten years old to be exact. I was visiting them for the summer, and one evening there was an earthquake. It was frightening, but it quickly dissipated. It was quite small in comparison to some of the more famous ones they'd experienced. But when it was over, great-great grandma's teacup was lying in pieces on the dining room floor," he continued. He opened the box up and took out the handle, placing it in the palm of my hand. Upon closer inspection, the glass had cracked beneath the enamel and part of the white paint had chipped off entirely. Edward placed his hand over mine, over the broken handle.

"My grandmother had tears in her eyes, her previous fears replaced with sadness. I went to console her, because I knew she had lost something important. She picked up each piece carefully and laid them on the napkin. When she finished, she put them into this box and displayed it as if it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

I never said a word to her from that day after because I completely understood her logic. From the stories she would tell us and the memories she shared, it was obvious she had other family heirlooms to remind her of her ancestors. But, to my grandmother, nothing else was as special as that teacup." He swallowed smoothly with a look of quiet understanding gleaming in his eyes.

"It wasn't until a few years later that I understood the significance of that day. I was closing in on eighteen and really down on myself, ready to give up on life. She showed me this box and said _Just because something is broken, doesn't mean it's not beautiful. You can still love all the pieces, and even if you can't fix it like it was before, it's still special.' "_ He dipped his head in reverence as he recalled those precious words. _"'You never discard something because you perceive it to be worthless. I kept these pieces because they were special to me, because even in their fragile_ _state they are still beautiful.' _Her words etched in my heart, and I changed forever. She really inspired me to see myself, as well as others, as beautiful even though I'm broken."

It was in that moment that I knew Edward was special, that his heart was pure and good. He removed his hand, and I put the handle back into the box, and he closed the lid. I remained silent while he returned the box to its designated place.

"She passed away shortly after that, and I took the box with me." A slight crack in his voice noted the still pained memory of his loss as his long, slender fingers lingered on the lid. "I now keep it to remind me to see people who are broken for more than their flaws. That box substantiates everything I do. I can't fix people, and I can't put their pieces back together, but I can show them they're still beautiful even if they're broken."

Tears flooded my eyes, and I couldn't shield them from falling. Edward had cracked through my facade, piercing me with his humility and goodness. When he returned, he placed his hand on my cheek, his face warm and loving; the hidden secrets of my heart enraptured by his touch. He managed to pull me in close.

"Edward, I'm a broken teacup." I whispered, leaning into his embrace. "We all are, dear Bella. We all are." I stayed attached to him for a bit longer, realizing I needed to get home to Charlie. "I need to go. I-I have to get home, Edward." I stuttered against his comforting shoulder.

"Bella, anytime you need a friend, I'm here." The tone of his voice was adamant and straightforward.

"Thanks."

* * *

When I arrived home Charlie was sitting in the kitchen. "Is the TV not working?" I asked half sarcastically, half serious.

"No," he returned blankly. Obviously my father wasn't up for conversation, so I poured myself a glass of milk and sank into the wooden chair beside him. "Jake?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"He just needs time, Bell." I was a little unclear if he was comforting _me _or himself.

"I know."

"Jake's young. He knows what he wants, but getting there is all new territory for him." He paused, turning to look at me. "He loves you." _Whoa. _Charlie doesn't talk about feelings.

"He left me, Dad. He didn't give _me_ a choice," I explained hoping to squash any misguided notices Charlie might have about Jake being a future fixture in my life.

"He loves you, Bella. You'll see." It felt more foreign the second time Charlie mentioned it. _Love_... A concept he knew nothing about.

"I'm going to bed. Good night Dad." I carried my book bag upstairs and went into the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. Every part of this house reminded me of him, and my chest burned at his absence.

I was met in the hallway by Charlie, startling me nearly into the afterlife. Once I was able to breathe and stand, Charlie spoke. "Bell, you know Friday evening some of the people at the station are giving Jake a send off. Maybe you'd like to drop in and say a proper goodbye." It was more of a statement than an inquiry.

"I don't... I... I can't," I stammered. Charlie draped his arm across my shoulder, his equivalent of a hug, and squeezed hard. "Bell, think about it. Okay?"

Lying in my bed, I stared at the pine tree outside the window. I watched the large branches outside as they bent and swayed beneath the power of the wind. Three days stood between now the opportunity to decide if I wanted the parking lot goodbye, or if I wanted to subject myself to an equally, if not more, painful goodbye at the police station.

I was teetering between choices when my thoughts were disturbed by a ring, and I grabbed the old phone from my book bag. The display showed a Port Angeles number, but I didn't recognize it. Before I could answer, it rang a second time. Hoping it was another student, I reluctantly said "Hello."

"Bella?"

"Yes, this is Bella."

"Bella, it's Edward. I'm sorry to call you so late, but I wanted to check on you. I hope you don't mind, but I pulled your number from your file at the program. I'm here working for a bit."

"Oh. No, I'm glad you called." It was a welcomed distraction to my dilemma. "So, you're still working?"

"Just locking up, actually. I didn't have as much to do as I thought."

"I see." His hesitation made me believe there was more to this conversation than just a relay of his actions.

"Um, yes. Well, to be honest, I, uh, I didn't _really_ have anything to do in the office. I just came to get your number because I needed to call you, Bella." Concern dripped from his revelation. "Tell me you are alright. I'll admit I'm very worried about you."

"Edward, I'm fine, or at least I will be. I appreciate your concern, but it is unnecessary." I was being truthful. I had some things to figure out, but I knew I would be okay, even if I was broken.

"I know it's late tonight, but would it be possible for you to meet me tomorrow after class, maybe?"

"Sure, I can do that. Name the place and time." A twinge of hesitation gripped me for a millisecond, and then released me from my guilt. After all, Jacob and I were no longer… together. I swallowed past the pain that followed that thought.

"What about my place and whenever you are out of class? I will be working from home tomorrow."

"I usually get out of my last class about three, so I can see you then."

"Three will be perfect. Goodnight, Bella. Sleep peacefully."

"Goodnight, Edward." I had no idea what Edward could possibly be planning. Anything he needed to say could have been said over the phone. Unless, of course, it was project related. Maybe he was calling as my superior and not simply as a friend? It was going to be difficult to distinguish the two different Edwards in my life, but I would have to worry about that later, because my eyes, heavy with exhaustion, closed, and I spent the remainder of the night in a deep, dreamless sleep.

As promised, I finished up my Public Speaking class and headed for Edward's. I stood outside the door getting ready to knock, when it flew open. "I saw you pull in."

"Oh, so, I guess you've been waiting on me." I was still unsure of what this meeting was about.

"Bella, come in." I walked over to the couch and found myself sitting in the same place I had the day before.

Edward was fidgety and nervous, nothing like the calm demeanor he normally exuded. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, he let out a heavy sigh, and his hands rubbed agitatedly over his forehead before he turned to look me in the eye. In apparent distress, he dropped his stare and began to pace behind the sofa.

I didn't speak, nor breathe, as his scattered behavior provoked an unknown feeling in me. Edward was always collected, but I was seeing an erratic mess of a human. Turning slightly to gauge his emotions, I watched as he frustratingly ran his fingers through his hair, leaving it in dishelved masses around his head. My stomach churned in anticipation, and my mind braced my heart for something unsettling. He came back and resumed his original position in front of me.

After he cleared his throat, he began the verbal onslaught of all the torturous thoughts that plagued his mind. "Bella, I need to tell you this, but the timing is bad, I know. I don't mean to spring this you so irrationally, but I can't keep doing this. I can't stay away, Bella—I've tried, I really have. But, I'm pulled to you. That kiss, I can't forget it, and I continue to relive it over and over. Every day, I think about you." Swallowing hard, he wrapped up his needed confession. "I've really tried to stay away." I stared at him intently while his eyes danced trying to keep up with his racing thoughts. His words were jumbled and erratic, leaving me unresponsive.

"If you don't feel the same, I will totally understand. Please don't worry because nothing will change as far as our working relationship is concerned, I assure you. You can continue your work at the center, but I had to tell you." I was floored and remained paralyzed in shock. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I know things are changing for you, and you no doubt need time and space, but if you have room in your heart for me..."

"Edward, I can't." I cut him short as he offered everything to me--pouring out the innermost feelings of his soul. And, if things were different, I would love to have heard it, and I would have felt lucky to hear it.

But, I wasn't lucky. I was losing Jacob.

"I mean, it's Jake. I love him, I really do. But he's leaving me, and I don't know anything. I don't know where the sun is supposed to be or the ocean or why it even matters. Nothing makes sense without Jacob." The dam was cracking, and the floods were evident. "I like you Edward. I need you because you bring me something no one else can. You make me feel like no one else does. But, it's not the same, Edward. I love him. That's all. I simply, love him." Tears began spilling down my cheeks, and my hands flailed wildly for comprehension. "He's the shadowbox that holds all my broken pieces. Don't you see? Can't you understand? _You_ are special to me, but _he _is part of me."

Somewhere between my rapid speech and my incoherent thoughts, I ran out of Edward's place crying hysterically and apologizing between breaths. By the time I was driving home, the aching abyss inside my heart had consumed me. My entire being was caught up in the pain and torment of realizing that Jake was leaving, and with him, he was taking away my very existence, my reason, my everything.

Inside the mess in my head was one sure clarity--I had to see Jacob again. I had to resolve this. I had to make the world right again...my world anyway. I needed to tell him what I had failed to tell him, and what I allowed pride and foolishness to rob me of telling him. He couldn't leave without knowing I loved him.

Not just love, but greater. My heart could break a million times over, but if I let Jake leave without saying those blessed three words, I'd be forfeiting the will of my heart to beat, and its reason for ever doing so in the first place. He may reject me, but I will have at least tried, and sometimes it's just the effort in trying that makes the difference.

I let so many things cause a division between us. I felt responsible for the _cuts _caused by my behaviors by allowing our relationship to become wounded by my infatuation with Edward and my intolerance of Jacob's responsibilities. But…

Wounds heal. With time, scars will take their place as a reminder that our deepest wounds, in fact, will heal.

**A/N: Okay so I toned down the drama for this chapter, what's gonna happen in the next chapter. Will Jake want to work it out? Will he give up his dream for Bella? Will Edward step in and show Bella she doesn't belong with anyone but him? So many possibilities... ;)**


	6. Chapter 6: Atonement

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns it all...including me!**

**As always thank you to the amazing Mombailey for her incredible beta-skills. Love her. **

Chapter 6: Atonement

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Listening to Say Goodbye by Skillet~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

http://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=y6Zbjv_WNBk

In the last two days I had spent an undetermined amount of time pondering the direction of my life. The irresolvable thoughts were clustering in my mind, allowing the dense fog of uncertainty to consume me. I couldn't keep up with the pace of my life. Things were changing too fast and everything I wanted was beyond my grasp. The wind howled just outside the window, startling me from my prisonlike thoughts and I raised my cold forehead from the glass. Once again, I was facing major catastrophic changes in my life. Losing people, I had learned, was always followed by a pattern of reckless, violent behavior, and in their wake leaving regrets and destruction. But, I felt in control and no matter the outcome; I knew I would be able to face another day. I could thank Edward for giving me that confidence. It wasn't the outcome that had me concerned this time. Contrarily, it was the delivery, the apology, the admission of fault. I didn't come here to change Jake's mind. I came to apologize, tell him goodbye, and to wish him well and to let him know that I truly loved him. I would never stand in the way of his future or his success. Today was not about begging him to stay, or begging him to take me. It was just a simple goodbye.

I couldn't place the marker along our path when the direction changed. One day life was going along fine and then the next there was a growing distance, eventually the path became obsolete and the reasons for choosing that path in the first place were forgotten. So, I forced myself to remember. I let the bitterness, jealousy, and immaturity fall away, and I recollected the reasons why I loved Jacob. Admittedly, all of that was done a little too late. I couldn't turn the clock back, but I could rebuild the bridge that I had foolishly burned. Jake could go on to his life, his new path, and I could follow mine, but we didn't have to do so on bad terms with each other.

I glanced in the mirror before silencing the engine of my truck. By instinct I thought about the first time I drove the big metal beast, Jacob sitting beside me, singing off key. That day was the start of something beautiful and the memory never failed to make me smile. Most memories of Jacob were smile worthy. He could summon happiness from a storm cloud. I straightened the untamed mess of hair atop my head, and took in a deep breath. The wind ripped by me again, and the dark clouds alerted me to the storm that was brewing in the distance. I laughed out loud at the irony of the metaphor.

I had barely opened the door when I remembered I didn't know what I was supposed to say. This was a whole new situation for me. I was better equipped to destroy relationships, not rebuild them. _'I'm sorry'_ just didn't seem like enough. I knew how I felt, but getting the emotions from my heart to my brain, and out of my mouth would prove to be a challenge. I shut the door tight and searched my brain for the right words. After about three minutes of useless wondering nothing came and I opened the door again, hoping to wing it. I lingered by my truck as various townsfolk, politicians, and police officers entered and exited the station. It was hard enough to come here and face Jake. Facing the assumptions and judgments of the party guests would be more than I was willing to handle. By now I was sure they knew of his decision to leave without me. It wouldn't take long for them to deduct that it was because of my inadequacies and failures as Jake's girlfriend.

I slowly crept up to the old wooden clapboard door like a tomcat about to make a meal of a mouse. It was as if my very life depended on these next few moments. If I was hoping for an inconspicuous entrance, the creaks of the aged door surely gave me away. I cringed as the loud noises announced my arrival. To my amazement, not one person was in the front office of the station. I looked around again just to be sure. On my right sat a rather large half eaten cake and an empty punch bowl atop a metal table. Just off the front office was a conference room, and it was there that I heard signs of the party. I made my way past the empty desk that once belonged to Jake. The finality of his leaving settled into my thoughts, and my stomach ached at the revelation. When I entered the room, nobody noticed my arrival thankfully. I had avoided answering questions, or awkward silences, and was able to focus on my purpose.

Charlie immediately flanked my side with his arms across his chest. There was no exchange of words, but his presence beside me was enough. I stood there waiting for an opportunity to approach Jake, all the while trying to mentally prepare my speech so that everything would come out just right. Jake was on the opposite end of the room, engaged in a conversation with the Mayor of Forks.

I admired Jacob from a distance, appreciating how attractive and charismatic he was. My memories would never do him justice, and my body begged to move closer to him. I refused and the onslaught of hurt made me weak in the knees. My heart writhed in pain as the assault continued when Jacob laughed. Instantly, I smiled in response to his enthusiasm, and then my smile faded as I realized I possibly may never hear that sound again. Tears threatened to overtake me and it was that moment that he first noticed I was there. He stopped mid sentence, politely nodded to the Mayor, and crossed the gap between us. He smiled civilly, but kept his true emotions concealed.

When he was just inches away my heart lurched in my chest-a warning to my brain to say the right thing.

"Um, I have to...well, I need to...I have something to do," Charlie babbled before leaving Jake and I alone. Until he spoke, I forgot he was even in the room.

"Bella, I really didn't expect you to come," Jacob admitted.

"Me either, honestly."

He nodded at me, his face twisted as he thought for something to say.

I needed to speak, surely if I opened my mouth the words would flow and come out in coherent sentences. I parted my lips, parched and dry from my escalating nerves, and sucked in the hot air around me. Once the wind hit my lungs, they held desperately to it, and it was a long while before I finally exhaled. I let out the gasp of air, the words I needed so badly to say on the edge of my tongue, and as quickly as they formed they disappeared. Then I thought of all the other people in the room. I felt their accusatory glances and hushed murmurs as they criticized me for coming here. I wanted to run away, to be carried off by some large prehistoric bird and dropped into a remote mountain range on some undiscovered continent, never more to be seen or heard of again. I could feel their judgments of my past mistakes, for the scars I had endured. They didn't have to know the details of my life to know that I was a complete failure. It was obvious Jake didn't want me, leaving me to feel like a repulsive, vile human. I dropped my head in shame, and stared at the floor. I was losing time, but I couldn't announce my devotion to Jake in front of strangers. I needed to run I wanted my legs to carry me as far as I could go. One inch from the edge of the earth would not be far enough.

I tip-toed back a half of a step, raised my head to meet Jake's eyes. My fear was rising into my throat in the form of vomit. My forehead was hot and glistened with sweat. Jake looked confused and scared, and nothing in his expression permitted me to proceed with my purpose for coming here. I turned away from him, silently admitting my mistake, and headed for the door. It was then that I realized there was no one else in the room, and I had completely fabricated the notion of stares, and murmurs. The only person judging me was myself, and I was doing so unfairly. I still carried the weight of my past mistakes, their haunts threatening to destroy any hope of resuscitation. Revolting against my securities I turned again to face Jake, who was now leaned against the conference table looking more annoyed than inviting. I didn't blame him. My theatrics had to wear thin on him. I pulled a chair in front of him and sat down, I needed to be relaxed as much as possible if I was going to finish.

"Jake, I want you to know... I can't let you, just move away without..." I stumbled over every syllable, and most of it came out in gibberish. I wasn't making the least bit of sense. Being diplomatic was not really unfolding the way I had hoped. So in true Bella Swan fashion I changed tactics and went for the dramatic version, spilling every emotion of my heart, senselessly.

"I never deserved you, and I know that. I've always known that. I messed things up for us. I was jealous, and immature, and irrational. I'm not asking you to excuse it, or to even forgive me for it, because that would be too easy. And you don't owe me forgiveness. It's too late to ask anyway. I just want you to know that I know I messed up. And losing you is the single most horrifying experience of my life, and in case you weren't aware, I have had many horrifying, terrifying, awful experiences. I never wanted to push you away, and I ruined things. I love you, with every single thread of my heart I love you and I only want what's best for you. And that far outweighs my own desires. I really am sorry it came to this. And that is why I'm here… to say I'm sorry."

The girl in me had hoped for one of those slow motion reunions like in a movie. Jacob, with arms wide open, accepting me into his life again, and everything that was wrong would automatically right itself. But that was short lived.

Jacob crossed his arms on his chest and stared at me blankly. If I had invested any more than five seconds into the movie theory I would have been sorely disappointed. He shook his head, and his skin turned a dark red. His face became stone and his eyes narrowed.

"Bella, you shouldn't have come here," he spat at me. "There's nothing left to say."

I reassured myself that my purpose was to deliver an apology, one that I did not deserve forgiveness for. However, I expected, out of politeness, a "thank you," a "you're forgiven," a "its okay, no big deal." I had not prepared myself for such a hostile reception. My heart began to race and my temperature began to increase as my blood started to boil. Pangs of embarrassment and regret began to attack me, and I clutched the edge of the wooden chair to keep from combustion. My decision to face Jake was one made in effort of atonement. I sat, mouth agape, staring at him trying to discern why it was a mistake. Why I was suddenly looking at the face of a stranger.

I stared at Jacob for what seemed like an eternity. When I blinked for that one second behind my closed lids I could see Jake in the woods, carefree and hopeful. I could feel his arms around me, and his breath against my hair. I imagined our little getaway, the one place where being free was free. No strings, no costs, no consequences, just freedom to feel and freedom to love. When I opened my eyes, through tears, I saw a cold shell of the person I had shared so many wonderful times with. When did he change? When did I change?

"Jake, I'm sorry. I'll go."

My tears tasted bitter, as they flowed onto my lips. I quickly made my exit out the rear entrance and navigated through the thick landscape to the edge of the parking lot. My truck was just a few yards away, and I began to take flight toward it as the cavity of my heart began to break away. Who was I kidding? I should have known better than to come and offer a consolation. If I were to truly search myself, and I wouldn't have to dig down that far, I would realize that everything in me wanted Jake to change his mind. I reached the handle only to find myself a few seconds too late. Before I could shield myself in the fortress of a Chevrolet, a pair of hands grabbed my wrists, and in a whisper of a breath I was eye level to Jacob's chest. Like so many times before I wanted to crash into the cradle of warmth and solace he provided. To be blanketed by goodness and honesty, but that was no longer an option for me.

"Bella it's done," he whispered. I could tell by the frailty in his voice that he didn't believe it either.

"Don't say that. It doesn't have to be. You can still go, have your life, and we can..." I trailed off. I was betraying my intentions. I wasn't supposed to beg him, but I couldn't be disappointed in myself. I had to be honest with myself, and deep down I wanted to beg him. I wanted to latch onto him and never let go. I wanted some explanation as to why he could just throw everything away.

"I can't offer you anything worth holding onto. I will not continue to hurt you. It's the only way," he spoke as he put some space between us.

"I refuse to accept that. Everything in me is screaming to fight for you. I'm willing to give you anything you need. You can't just leave without giving me a chance."

"Listen to me, either way you're going to be wounded. But if I leave without you, you will have a chance to heal. You need that chance and that is the chance I'm giving you. I chose the road with the least pain for you, Bella."

He brought his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. His embrace was urgent and necessary, leaving me only to respond to the comfort of his touch.

"Jake, I need you."

If I had ever wanted to ask for a favor from a higher power, it was in that moment. I would have wished for the core of the earth to open up and swallow us both whole. Just take us away from the awful harsh reality before us, and leave us alone to be happy and at peace in a simpler, uncomplicated world. I never got the chance to make my request to the superior being, before I could finish the thought in its entirety Jacob caused my mind to go blank, and my mental faculties to evaporate. He loosened up his hold on me and moved his face level with mine. His eyes bright with hope flickered and then surprisingly he pressed his lips against mine, and with an intensity likened to the desire of a raging mountain fire, he kissed me.

"Tell me how to fix this. My plan was doing what I thought was best for you."

"Since when do you need a plan? What happened to being fearless, and letting the wind blow where it will? When did all of that change?"

"When your feelings were on the line," he stated simply.

I was speechless, deciding on which emotion I wanted to respond to first. I was flattered that he cared enough to prevent me from pain, but I was angry that he would underestimate me.

I grabbed his hands and wove my fingers around them. "I refuse to let you go without knowing you belong to me. At least give me the option."

He pressed his forehead against mine, and moved close against my body. With my hand still locked into his he pulled them both to his chest just over his heart. "Do you feel that?" he asked innocently. I nodded yes as his heart pounded a steady rhythm just beneath my fingertips. With each beat my body felt a jolt of electricity so strong that my own heart began to pound in time with his.

"No matter what happens, where life takes us, or where we end up that beat belongs to you. Always will. I can't give you what you deserve, and most of the time I won't be around. But if you can make that sacrifice then I will give you the option."

"Jacob, any sacrifice I make for you, no matter how big, is worth it. You don't know how important you really are or how you've changed my life. You sincerely make me a better person."

He moved his hands to my wrists and rubbed across the scars. I began to panic but knew that he wouldn't press the issue. Jacob didn't know of my past only that it was dark. I could tell he was curious by my visible haunted reminders. It was only natural. But he never asked and I never told. Quickly becoming swallowed by my fears and regrets, he loosened his grasp and in a moment his mouth was on mine. For the time being, all of those fears, regrets and worries faded and allowed the goodness that was Jacob Black to take over my senses.

"You know I'm leaving Forks tonight? Would you like to accompany me?" he asked beneath his eyelashes. "I'll bring you back on Sunday," he promised.

"Okay."

"Only one stipulation, you have to finish packing up all my stuff."

"Fine," I scoffed.

"Meet me at five. I'll be waiting."

* * *

Just as promised, Jake was standing on the stoop of his soon to-be former apartment building. The brick building was one of only a few in Forks that were more than one story. The complex was fairly new and the biggest in town, with a pool, tennis courts, and rec room. Even in all of its glory, I couldn't help but think how this place didn't hold a light to Edward's home. Edward. I still had some unresolved issues with him, I needed to explain to him, and apologize for leaving him the way I did. I redirected my thoughts; I would have to save those troubles for another day. The rest of the evening was devoted to Jacob, and whatever came of it relied heavily on my ability to focus.

I noticed Jake had changed from his dress blues and was now wearing jeans and a button up shirt. He leaned against the center beam of the small veranda and shot me an incredibly cheesy impish grin. If I hadn't witnessed the events of the last few days first hand, I would have never believed anything was wrong between us. His face bore no sighs of worry or life altering turmoil. He was just Jacob, sunny, carefree and beautiful.

I gathered my jacket and keys and headed to meet him.

When I reached the sidewalk, he scaled the banister and hopped down in front of me. "Hey Babe," he announced enthusiastically.

"Hi," I responded casually. I noticed how incredibly enticing he looked and as his body was just inches from mine I stopped in my tracks. For the first time in a long time I was really seeing him. He smiled at me and I started to drown in emotions that were, contrastingly, familiar and brand new.

"Do you want to buy a ticket?" he asked moving closer, allowing a small gap between us.

"Excuse me? What do I need a ticket for?"

"Well," he began, grabbing my hands and swaying them back and forth. "You seem to be admiring me like some carnival attraction. I thought it only polite to see if you wanted an all-ride pass to fun-land." He rolled his tongue over his bottom lip seductively to emphasize "all-ride."

I rolled my eyes and gave him a light smack on the shoulder. "You're full of crap," I barked.

"No. I'm intuitive." He moved closer, placing his hands around my waist. My body instantly tensed at the mounting friction between us. I inhaled Jacob's scent, a mixture of the sun, the sand and rain. "Really," I retorted breathlessly, crashing myself into him further.

"Yes," he whispered into my ear. "I know you like the view," he chuckled out before gently nibbling my ear and moving back.

"Get to walking, Detective Hormone. I prefer the view from the back anyway," I replied turning him around and pushing him forward, giving him a light tap on the behind to enforce my authority. "We've got work to do."

End Notes:

This will be the last chapter for awhile. I've submerged myself into my sequel to Breakthrough, so if you haven't read it...go now...and consider yourself hooked ;) Thanks for your patience in between updates, and I as always I want to know what you're thinking. Go listen to the song... it's fantastic.


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